Are You Guilty Of Instant Relationships? The Art Of Ignoring Red Flags

The more we learn about love addiction, the better for us because that means we become more aware of the dysfunctional parts in the way we love, for example instant relationships. Whenever we increase our awareness, we create choices. Eckhart Tolle said it wonderfully, “Awareness is the greatest agent for change.” We might not realize that we’re already in the middle of an unfulfilling relationship until someone points it out to us and we’re forced to look within. In this episode, we will be talking about the ten different signs of Love Addiction. You’ll also get three tips on how to invite more awareness into your life right now.

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Are You Guilty Of Instant Relationships? The Sublime Art Of Ignoring Red Flags

We started to become a little more familiar with the topic love addiction. Today, we’ll be talking about the typical characteristic traits that will help shed even more light on this subject. The more we learn about love addiction, the better for us because that means we become more aware of our own nature. Whenever we increase our awareness, it means that we create choices. Eckhart Tolle has said it wonderfully, “Awareness is the greatest agent for change.” I’ll also give you three tips on how to invite more awareness into your life. I’m going to lay out ten different signs that indicate that the way you relate or the relationships you are in or that you had in the past might have had some unhealthy dynamics.

Please remember all of this is never to blame, never to make you feel bad or wrong. This is all meant for us to look at things like a scientist and observe whatever presents itself to you. Remember to breathe deeply whenever your body starts to tense up. Should you start feeling any uncomfortable feelings, let them be there. I encourage you to look at this with compassion because as long as you’re learning something new about yourself, you’re good. You’re doing the right thing because that’s all we need to do. We need to stay curious and humble and acknowledge whatever it is that we’re learning about ourselves in this very moment. Besides, we are in this together.

One of the signs I mentioned already in earlier episodes is how denial is the very nature of love addiction, but I want to point out a couple more. Sign number one, we are guilty of instant relationships. We generally tend to enter into relationships way too soon. That’s what I mean with being guilty of instant relationships. When we fall head over heels in what we think is love, choosing a partner happens almost accidentally and we jump ahead in the natural unfolding of two people entering into a relationship. Examples of this would be that we just had our first date and already we compare our first name with his last name. We immediately want to make plans to ensure that we see the person again. We obsessively start checking our phone to see if he or she texted or called or we express deep feelings before a real connection has actually adequately being formed.

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Why do we do that? Because we get excited about the possibilities this person might bring to us. We don’t want to lose the potential experience of love, belonging and connection. We don’t want to lose the potential fairytale unfolding into a happily ever after. After all, we need to be loved. Sign number two, we’re unable to see the red flags early on. We’re blind and unable to see the early red flags that would otherwise not have us continue our engagement with a new person. Red flags give you this twisted and wrong feeling in your gut or anywhere in your body, and it can even affect your breathing. It’s the wisdom of your higher self, trying to tell you to be careful and skeptical and not ignore it. While ignoring red flags on the short-term might give you immediate pleasure and instant gratification, it usually has very bad consequences in the long run. You basically close your eyes to strange or bad behavior. Their inability to talk through issues, their needs to constantly test your boundaries, their massive sense of entitlement, their need to be overly critical of their previous partners. Even the way they tend to deny, criticize, manipulate or dismiss you. Why do we ignore red flags? For one, neurologically love does make us blind. Two, mostly it’s because we want a relationship more than we want the right person.

We often mistake drama, intensity, sex, and romance for love. Click To Tweet

Sign number three, we mistake drama, intensity, sex and romance for love. High drama, intensity, and conflicts are perceived as normal, even desired. It is often seen as a sign of chemistry, real love, or soul mate love. We also tend to mistake intense sexual experiences and romance for love.

The reason why we mistake drama for love is most probably because we learned that love comes with pain. It’s an early imprint we received in childhood where love was indeed painful a lot of the times because it was either absent, not fully present or conditional and dysfunctional relationship habits honed over a period of time. It’s why it’s familiar to us. It’s what we know. The reason why we mistake intense sexual experiences and romance for love is that when having sex, so-called feel-good hormones are released. On one hand, we talk about the Law of the Hormone Oxytocin that enforces attachment. On the other hand, dopamine gets our reward circuit going in the brain and showers us with a rush of pleasure that creates lasting memories of sex as a pleasurable experience.

Sign number four, we are not comfortable in solitude. Without a romantic partner, we feel alone, worthless, empty and unhappy. It can be an unbearable feeling. It feels like something is missing inside of us and we can’t thrive on our own. It feels like having to drive with an empty tank, which is impossible. The moment we experience connection, everything changes and life all of a sudden becomes meaningful. For many of us, we strive to be able to be alone. It has become the new spiritual discipline. We hear you can only truly be in a relationship once you have learned to be on your own. While this is true in my opinion, we have to be careful that we don’t achieve that discipline only in our head in the way that we are simply learning the right language and add a couple of concepts, but still feel horrible when being alone. We have to deeply feel that pain of our disconnection, separation and isolation before we can actually start enjoying ourselves and feel at ease, even happy, when in solitude.

Sign number five, we jump from one relationship to another. We’re jumping from one relationship to another without ever taking a break to just be with ourselves. It goes hand in hand with sign number four as not being in a relationship would mean that we would have to be on our own. We also tend to leave one relationship for another as we believe that this new person is a better fit. In the new relationship, we first idolize our new partner so they fit our fantasy. At a later time, we’re disappointed again because we learned that he or she is not perfect and we are unable to see our own inability to deal with the disappointment of their failure.

Sign number six, we have a compulsive need for outside attention and approval. The compulsive need for outside attention and approval is a big one. Whatever we do, whatever we say, whatever we create, build form and give birth to, we need to know that what we do is good and finds acceptance. On social media, we obsessively control how many followers we have, who liked, commented, and shared our post. If we dare to create something on our own and we put in that hard work and we persist and truly have the best intention to make it happen, as soon as there is some opposition or not the desire to immediate acceptance, we tend to collapse and give up. Non-approval is so difficult to handle. In childhood, non-approval often meant the withdrawal of love. If we, however, did something that our caregivers approved off, they usually gave love. We learned to be good, to do what gets us the love, the attention and the approval. It feels much safer to do things that others approve of. It’s much safer to behave in a way that others will like. It ensures the feeling of being accepted and wanted. Everything else is too difficult to feel because it reminds us of an earlier pain of absence of love.

Red Flags Of Love Addiction: We jump from one relationship to another without ever taking a break to just be with ourselves.

Sign number seven, when love, romance and relationships are the main focus in life. When our focus in life is mainly directed towards love, romance and relationships, other areas such as health, finances, family, job and purpose might be neglected due to the lack of focus. It feels like love and romance is the only thing that actually gives meaning to one’s life and the pursuit of it keeps us busy. It’s like there is no space inside of us to contribute to any other area. This also results in the inability to step into one’s potential as not much energy thought and time is allocated to that. Besides, our idea of that romance and love is mostly seen in a distorted and irrational way. If we find someone we’re mostly not in love with that person, but in love with love and the feelings that come with interacting with that person.

Sign number eight, we find ourselves accepting emotional, physical, even sexual abuse. Not only do we tend to choose emotionally unavailable partners, but we also tend to accept emotional, physical or sexual abuse. There is an inability to let go of any dysfunctional or unfulfilling relationship. Sometimes we even return to them over and over again. This is a hard one. Who wants to admit that? I have overstayed in relationships that were deeply unsatisfying and sometimes even emotionally abusive. It felt wrong on so many levels, but I was unable to let go. The sheer thought of saying goodbye was simply unbearable. I would never be able to bring these words across my lips. I would rather choose to keep suffering than having to say goodbye.

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Some people stay in highly abusive relationships because that is what they know. That is what they have learned about relationships in the first place. It simply feels like home. The usually low level of self-esteem does not help. If we want to make better choices, then we have to feel that we are worth it. That brings us to number nine, we show impaired self-worth and toxic shame about who we are. Impaired self-worth, low self-esteem and toxic shame about who we are is a direct result of the early absence of love. That is something that accompanied me for all of my life. That deep-rooted feeling of not being good enough, not being smart enough, actually thinking that I’m extremely stupid and ugly. I could look in the mirror and think, “You are so ugly.” I would be convinced that that is true. I felt so ashamed of who I was, the way I looked, the way I talked, what I do. It was like I was my biggest enemy. It was so painful and the talk that was going on in my mind simply would not vanish no matter how well I did or how successful I was. My mind made sure that the good feelings would never last long. Especially in my teenage years, I’m sure a lot of us remember how hard these years were.

Sign number ten, we fear abandonment and rejection and are desperate to please. Fear of abandonment and rejection, meaning you constantly fear that love won’t stick around even at a moment where you didn’t even have it yet. Let’s say you got to know someone and yet you already fear that you are about to lose something. This is indeed the love addicts’ greatest fear and pretty much responsible for all triggers. For that reason, we find ourselves pleasing our partner, the people around us, even our friends and family, and we feel responsible for their happiness. Sometimes that means that we even go beyond what feels right or good for us.

Check in with yourself. Invite more awareness to your life. Click To Tweet

As promised, I’ll end this episode with the three tips on how to invite more awareness to your life. Tip number one, slow down and take breaks during your day. Check in with yourself. What’s going on besides the obvious things that are happening in your day? How are you feeling? Are you breathing and taking it one step at a time? Are you rushing through your day trying to get everything done and neglect yourself, your feelings, and needs in it? Tip number two, before you go to sleep in bed, spend a couple of minutes reflecting about your day. Were you present with yourself? Take a moment to sit still and breathe deeply. Were there moments where you went against what you felt was right? Where you missed to stand up for yourself? Maybe there were moments when you shut down instead of speaking up. If it feels right for you, journal your thoughts. Journaling might help, but it is not everyone’s favorite tool.

Tip number three, when you wake up in the morning, don’t use your phone right away. Don’t rush out of bed. Don’t hurry. Put your alarm clock a little earlier and spend a couple of minutes in bed checking in how you are feeling. Just acknowledging that for a little bit and then slowly go about your day. Maybe start right now, check in and see how this episode affected you. Then again, let whatever happens be. You can always call a friend and share how you feel because you are not alone in this. We are in this together and I can’t wait to speak to you in the next episode. Have a good one.

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