Aren’t we all looking for a deeply fulfilling relationship instead of something mediocre? And yet, so many of us overstay. Many of us can’t let go and we tend to hang on. We keep subjecting us to situations that don’t really make us happy. I have been like that for most of my relationships. So, I was thinking, if we paid better attention in the beginning and we focus on not even entering unfulfilling relationships in the first place, then we have a good chance of ending up in something amazing. However, for this to happen, we need one essential thing that will help, even protect us from ending up in the wrong relationships. Read on to figure out what I am talking about!
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How Not To Enter Bad Relationships In The First Place!
This show is here for those who need a break-through in the love department. Those who want to turn their love life around and who want to attract partners that contribute to a deeply fulfilling relationship. Where you are a team, where you support each other, where you feel safe and where you can trust your partner. If you are not yet in such a relationship, you are either single or you are in a relationship that has none of the above, meaning that if you are looking for a healthy relationship, you will eventually have to let go of what is not serving you right now. Often that is the most difficult part. I used to overstay in pretty much every relationship. The truth is, we often can’t let go, we tend to hang on. We keep subjecting us to situations that don’t make us happy.
So, I was thinking, what would help not to enter unfulfilling relationships in the first place? And then I realized, that I lacked something fundamental when I was still running after love, when I was still the Love Addict, in denial, unaware of what I was doing. That something would have helped me tremendously, even protect me from ending up in bad relationships. So what was it that was missing? I forgot to define my relationship standards. Standards that I could remind myself about, that I could carry in my heart at all times. And if I actually did have some sort of a standard, I was very skilled at lowering them at the potential threat of losing love. I’d compromise quickly and often bent over backwards to accommodate my beloved.
What are Relationship Standards?
To me, my standards are like promises I make to myself. It’s a way of honoring and respecting myself. It’s like defining your limit, below which you are unwilling to tolerate a partner. It’s like the minimum requirement.Standards are like promises I make to myself! Click To Tweet
For us to be able to set standards, we have to be very clear on what our real needs are. Looking at the six core human needs, we can quickly identify which one is prominent for us. Many leaders have talked about these needs, however I learned about them when I participated in a Tony Robbins event. These 6 core human needs are Certainty (meaning I feel safe in the relationship), Variety (a feeling of change, excitement, novelty), Significance (a feeling that I matter and that I mean something to someone), Love & Connection, Growth (personal growth) and Contribution. If your most important need is Variety meaning, new things, change, experiences but your partner never wants to try something new and has limited views on things, it will be difficult to live a fulfilling relationship with him or her.
I also like to look at the 5 love languages, defined by Gary Chapman. Great book! He elaborates on how people feel loved and how one feels commitment. Is it by receiving gifts? Quality time? An act of services? Physical touch? Or is it words of affirmation? I can highly recommend his book, so go check it out. It’s called the 5 love languages. If you know your primary love language, you will also know what you need – for example, if your love language is quality time but your partner is always traveling for work, this will sooner or later lead to a break-up as you won’t ever feel loved in the way you need to and you ‘ll start resenting your partner. Or let’s say your most important need is to feel safe, but your partner is a liar or a cheater, then surely it won’t work in the long run. Sometimes our partners don’t even know what they have to do so we feel loved. Even worse, we don’t know. So, it’s time to figure out, what you need to feel loved. In my experience, a deeply loved woman is powerful beyond belief. She’ll commit and stand by a guy from all of her heart. You can’t get luckier than having a partner who feels truly loved.
When you know your Love Language and your most essential needs, you can think of the Qualities, Values and Behaviour your partner should bring forth. You will also realize what you do not want in a partner and that is where we talk about boundaries.
Standards are DEAL-Breakers, NO-Go’s, Non-Negotiables. Things that when present would terminate a relationship, or you would not pursue a guy that shows this behavior. What are the things that would not make you want to continue getting to know a potential lover? The question of whether to have kids, get married and build a family. Maybe you are ready to settle but he is all about partying until late at night? Or maybe you say, an addict is a no go. Ask yourself if you are in alignment when it comes to such essential points of views? Do you want the same things at this very moment in life?
So first thing you want to do is defining your standards. Write down a list with all the things you truly need, non-negotiable. This is not about a wish list. It is the things you won’t negotiate about. Wishes can be negotiated. Needs or standards cannot. As an inspiration, I ‘ll share some of mine with you.
To me it is very important that my partner is in love with who I am and not with what he makes me up in his mind. He has to value honesty and trust. He must be willing to grow and own his mistakes. I must want to jump him! Yes, I have to be physically attracted to him – and he must like sex too. He has to be open to having kids and a family. He must be willing to spend quality time with me. I want him to honor commitment, in other words, he does not run when things get a little tough. Giving and receiving is equal as I tend to over give and under receive and I have to feel that I am a priority for him.
Once you set your standards, it is time to communicate them. As you know from my show, in the beginning when you are getting to know someone new, you ideally spend quite some time evaluating them. Are they a good match? Do you share the same important values? Are you at the same stage in life? Is he or she able to live up to your defined standards? Are you ready to live up to their standards? In episode no 24 I shared with you how we should spend more time on evaluating instead of negotiating. We ask “Should I keep seeing him to see IF we are a good match” and not “How can I make this a good match?”. It’s the IF not the HOW.Tap into your feminine beauty, vulnerable and share from her heart what is dear to you. Click To Tweet
Communicating your standards is part of the evaluation phase. You don’t have to do it in an arrogant way. It should not come across as expectations. Tap into your feminine beauty, vulnerable and share from her heart what is dear to you. You can say: I will feel loved most when you decide to spend time with me instead of buying me flowers. Or, when you lie to me, I will start feeling insecure and knowing myself it won’t take long until I don’t trust you anymore and I’ll start resenting you. This is what I am looking for in men. This is when I fall in love. This is when I tend to give myself fully, when I am all in. And so on.
However, after you communicated your standards, the hard part comes. The most important step is to stick with them. And this is where it gets tough. Why?
Be Aware Of Lowering Your Standards
Well, the moment we decide that we like someone, that we might get Love, we are at threat of lowering these standards. And while this might not have a significant impact in the short run, it will have a massive impact in the long run. Saying no in the beginning is much easier than a year into the relationship. The foundation you lay in the beginning will be decisive for your long-time happiness in the relationship.
Maybe you will find yourself lowering your standards. Happens to everyone. If you do lower your standards, you want to have a real hard look. When did you lower your standards? What happened for you? What was at stake? Why did you lower them?
There was a fundamental reason for you to lower them. Something must have scared you, or maybe you were not willing to give up on the potential supply of love and attention. However, remember, if you make false compromises now if you risk a lifetime of happiness for short-term satisfaction, you will lose in the long run. It’s a done deal.
Besides, the moment you do not stick to the standards you communicated so clearly in the beginning, how much respect can you expect from your partner? What are you saying about yourself when doing that? In a way, we are saying that it is okay not to honor our standards and that is just the beginning of the end.
So set standards that you can really stick to. You might fear that it will limit your choices, that’s alright, just feel that. Keep the promises you made to yourself. The moment you find yourself lowering your standards, go check in with our community. Get that support that you need so you won’t compromise. If you are not a member of our community yet, go check it out now. Just click on www.aleahava.com/membership and sign up. It will be so worthwhile because you don’t have to do this alone. IT is much easier to get the support that you need to follow through and create a love life that will last for you.
Do it right now. Sit down and reflect on your standards. Have you actually defined your personal relationship standards? If you need a more personal support, send me a message. If you have a question, on my page www.addictedtolovepodcast.com you can push a button and speak your question. I might answer it in a future episode!
Thank you for listening in, I wish you a beautiful day!
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