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Is It Hot Sex Or Is It Love Addiction?
In the last show, volume one, I introduced the subject love addiction. In volume number two, we’re going to have a conversation about, Is it Hot Sex or Is it Love Addiction? In the first volume, I shared with you how denial is often the very nature of love addiction. That we first have to realize that what we think of love might, in fact, be an addiction to love. On AddictedToLovePodcast.com, I have a little gift for you. Make sure to head over to the site after you have listened and just put your email there. Remember to also subscribe so you can review our show on iTunes because one of you, every single week, will win a personal love makeover session with me where we’re going to talk about anything that is important to you when it comes to your love and sex life.
Before we’re going to talk about whether you’re having hot sex or whether you are actually facing love addiction, we need to have a bigger conversation. We need to talk about sex and what I mean when I say hot sex. Hot sex is the result of a deeply heart-opening, healthy and loving relationship. I’ve been studying human interaction, sex and love for many years, and there is a huge difference in what I first learned about sex and what understanding of sex I have now. Personally, I deeply honor sex in the sense that I believe that it can be the most powerful tool when used in the right way. It can heal and it spills over into every other area of your life, whether that is your creativity, parenting, your job, your finances and so on.
Denial is often the very nature of love addiction. Click To Tweet
Sexual energy is life energy. We thrive when we experience deeply nourishing sex. I’m not talking about mindless, physical, porn magazines, stress-release kind of sex that lasts a couple of minutes and then everyone goes about his own business again. No, I talk about deep intimate lovemaking that is done with presence, with wanting to serve the other partner, wanting to truly see them and express the love you have for them. A love that is compassionate, mature and self-giving, because many people confuse love with love addiction.
Often we think that drama, fantasies, intensity and everlasting passion is love. That a soulmate or love at first sight kind of love is the ultimate thing. The chemistry and the feelings that come with love have us quickly think that we found the one. The neurochemical rush that happens when you meet someone new is simply nature’s catalysts, enabling people to create a deeper connection. We have all experienced almost obsessive emotional and overly exciting beginnings of new relationships where we focus almost exclusively on the existence of that other person. In this phase, we distort reality and change our priorities and daily habits to accommodate the beloved. We also tend to neglect other relationships with friends and family. We often get distracted from other important things that are going on in our life. The lovers crave emotional and physical union with the beloved and we suffer when being apart from the loved one.
This initial behavior is quite normal but usually, the early rush of romance is a temporary stage. In healthy relationships, this stage evolves over time into real intimacy, love, compassion and trust. Love addicts, however, work very hard on extending the surge of brain chemicals, using it basically to get high in the same way that drug and alcohol addicts do. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have a significant other. The question is from what place inside of ourself we love. You can either love from a mature adult you, which is a place of compassion and real intimacy where you are with someone because you want to serve them. You’re actively concerned for their life and growth and love who they are without wanting to change them or demand things from them.
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It’s not to get something that makes you feel loved and happy and fills up your empty void inside of yourself. As an adult, that is an inside job. In a mature adult relationship, we remain individuals with our own beliefs, values and purpose in life. A mature relationship shows when we respond to our partner’s needs when we respect them for who they are, and when we are seriously committed to getting to know them again and again as we change so much over time. We simply desire to deeply know them. We basically say, “I need you because I love you.” Not very many people are able to love with compassion. Erich Fromm said it so well, A lot of us love from a rather neurotic place. It mostly results from one or in most cases, both lovers remaining attached to the figure of a parent. In this case, we transfer feelings, expectations and fears we once had to our mother or father to the loved person in our adult life. We have an adult body, but emotionally we’re stuck in our childhood.
The way I’m going to point out more clearly, the differences between the two forms of love is by me asking you questions that indicate whether you love from a compassionate, adult mature point within yourself or whether that love comes from a rather immature, neurotic and self-serving place. Remember, this is never about fault. If any of these reflections trigger you, let the feelings happen. The fact that you are creating more awareness on the ways you love will empower you to change whatever it is that is not working for you. Also whether you are in a relationship, single or dating, it doesn’t matter. This will work for all of you. Let’s take a deep breath and relax.
Love Addiction: Creating more awareness on the ways you love will empower you to change whatever it is that is not working for you.
Do you feel that your current relationship or your past relationships felt deeply secure, honest and loving? Or did you feel that the relationship could be lost at any moment? That your partner maybe wasn’t telling you everything and that it switched from love to drama in a very short period of time? Number two, when you were not physically with your partner or the person you were dating, were you okay? Did you feel at ease on your own? Or were you desperately trying to stay in contact, obsessing over him from afar when you were not physically together? Number three, were you able to maintain your view on things, beliefs and position in the relationship? Did you keep your dreams, your self-respect and your happiness? Or did you have a tendency to lose yourself in the relationship where you very quickly adjusted to what your partner wants you to be? Were you unable to make independent decisions?
Number four, did you argue very little, if at all? Were your arguments productive? Or did the relationship consist of constant ups and downs? Maybe you enjoyed the hot makeup sex, maybe you argued and fought a lot? Number five, when you were still in the relationship, were you focused only on your partner because that is all you truly cared about? Or were you secretly fantasizing about being with someone else, someone that would be a better match for you? Number six, were you both willing to understand and fulfill each other’s most important needs? Or was one of you very needy, constantly running after having their needs fulfilled and still it never felt like your longings were met? Maybe you were in a position where you didn’t want to fulfill your partner’s needs.
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If you want more on getting the best out of your life and relationships, check out our new brand The Royal Path where you find everything about personal growth, deep healing and emotional liberation.
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Number seven, did you respect your partner’s values, feelings and dreams? Did you deeply know who they were as your wish was to learn about them and see them for who they are? Or were you mainly focused on having them behave in a way that you wanted so you could get what you needed? Maybe you were unable to truly see him or her as you were very much occupied with your feelings? Number eight, were you able to make plans way ahead of time as you both felt that this relationship is going somewhere? Or was there less certainty and less communication about the future and it was harder to make long-term plans? Number nine, was your relationship based on real trust and each other’s commitment was clear to the both of you? Or was jealousy often an issue as the relationship lack trust and commitment?
Number ten, were you both able to celebrate each other’s achievements and support each other in becoming the best version of yourself and support the changes you were both going through? Or was one of you or both of you secretly jealous of the other’s achievement? Maybe you did not want him or her to change much as this might have threatened the future of the relationship? Number eleven, when you were in a fight, did either of you threatened to leave the relationship? Or did you both know that this is an absolute no-go in a mature relationship and you were mindful of not going to that point when in a fight? Number twelve, did you overall, for most of the time, feel great in the relationship or did you more often feel heavy, even miserable, no matter whether you were physically together or apart? Number thirteen, were you in love with who your partner truly is? Or were you more in love with the idea of love with an idea of who your partner was or even an orchestrated fantasy?
Hot sex is the result of a deeply heart-opening, healthy and loving relationship. Click To Tweet
Number fourteen, did you date only each other and lived monogamously or open if that was your choice? Did you both agree to the same type of relationship? Did you secretly flirt around, maintained a profile on a dating app and maybe even go on secret dates? Number fifteen, were you able to have your own friends but shared a group of friends at the same time? Or did you maybe neglect your own friends or even family and navigate towards his friends? Number sixteen, do you have several people in your life who you truly care about and love dearly? Or is your love mainly focused on your partner? Do you maybe believe that loving mostly that one person is proof of the intensity of your love for them? Number seventeen, do you feel that your choice of this partner happened consciously as you took time to carefully evaluate a possible relationship with him or her? Or was the choice of your partner almost accidental as you generally tend to enter relationships too soon?
If you look at the differences between compassionate love and addicted love, you will quickly identify where you stand in all of it. If you find yourself saying more yes to the characteristics of addicted love, then you definitely know that this podcast is for you. Remember that most relationships have some codependent or love addicted moments. It is up to you to decide how much it weighs on your life. If you feel like your love life is empowering you, supporting you and leaving you deeply nourished and validated, then you might be able to deal with a couple of unhealthy moments. If however the overall emotions you feel in your intimate relationship are mostly dragging you down, leaving you frustrated or hopeless, weighing rather heavily on your chest or you feel like you never get what you truly long for, then with all my heart, welcome again to Addicted to Love. I’ll see you in the next episode.
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If you want more on getting the best out of your life and relationships, check out our new brand The Royal Path where you find everything about personal growth, deep healing and emotional liberation.
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