Man laughing happily

Having a Love Coach today is basically inevitable. Healing and Growth is no longer optional in modern relationships. Leveraging outside help catapults the success of your union to new levels. In this interview, Aleah interviews Stefanos Sifandos, to discuss burning topics when it comes to intimate relationships. Some of the highlights contain an in-depth conversation about our disillusions by relationships, amazing questions to ask yourself when evaluating potential new partners or how to open up difficult conversations. Apart from that we look at what Modern Chivalry means and how to deal with Sexual Complexity and differences for men and women in intimate relationships.

Listen to the podcast here:

Modern Chivalry And Sexual Complexity In Todays Relationships With Stefanos Sifandos

Welcome back listeners!! After a little time off to manage the incredible heat summer has brought upon us, I am back with another episode on Addicted To Love. I am so excited to be interviewing Stefanos Sifandos, yet another expert on relationships. For years, he’s been immersed in deep men’s empowerment work and the exploration of intimate and sacred relationships, promoting balance, sacredness and power in life and love. We are going to talk about incredibly interesting subjects such as disillusions by relationships, transformation of relationships, how to evaluate potential new partners, how to open up difficult conversations as well as Modern Chivalry and Sexual Complexity and differences for men and women in intimate relationships. Let me welcome Stefanos. Thank you so much for joining us today. I’m really excited about our conversation. How are you?

I am well thank you. It’s an honor and a privilege to be here and I’m very excited about our conversation to come.

Thank you so much. Can you introduce yourself for a moment to our listeners and maybe tell them a little bit about your story? What exactly is your specialty and how come you do what you do today?

I heard this one from Dr. John Demartini, and I’m paraphrasing, how pain often drive our highest values as adults. So, for me, what I experienced as a child, I experienced and perceived myself to be quite isolated and alone, not understood, not seen, not heard, felt very tormented as a child. Not all of the time, but the times that I did that were very intense. I grew up in physical abuse and grew up in emotional abuse and volatility as well. That I was witnessing my parents and also my parents against myself and my younger brother as well. Then with my younger brother later on in the years where he went through a massive phase, a long phase of over a decade of drug addictions. So there was a lot of violence and volatility and abuse and disconnection in my family. There was elements of love there as well and that was actually quite confusing growing up developmentally. That was tough. As I’ve learned over the years, so many people experience this sense of volatility. So that void, as Demartini says, our voids become our values. That really drove me to seek connection and intimacy and being understood and being seen as an adult.

Seeking Connection The “Shadow-Way”

For a long time, I did that and I pursued that and I sought for that, but I did it in a shadow way. What I mean by that is that I would do it in a hyper selfish way. I would do it in a manipulative way. I would not be considerate of others. I wasn’t doing that purposely. I wasn’t moving with malice. I was just coming from this desperation and this inner child, because I hadn’t really attended to it. I hadn’t healed it or I hadn’t moved through a healing process. I hadn’t understood my childhood. I suppressed and repressed much of the trauma that I experienced and that really forced or allowed me, because it was unchecked, I didn’t check that to behave in a particular way that was not connecting and more isolating than anything else. But I kept feeding those same actions because I thought they were the right thing to do. So I’d move a lot in the shadows. It was a lot of infidelity, unfaithfulness and presenting to people what I thought they wanted to see so they could like me, accept me, love me. But then that didn’t really serve me. So on the weekends, I’d drink alcohol with my friends and we would fight every weekend and we would be violent. So what I was doing was reliving my childhood.

Sad Boy in The dark
We all long for truthful connection.

Change In The Eyes Of Pain

A number of years ago, I was in a relationship and she discovered that I was unfaithful in that relationship and that was a catalyst for me. Seeing the pain in her face and really stepping back outside of my actions and observing everything that I was doing and being. Thinking to myself “what am I being right now in the world?” This is not what masculinity means to me. This is not what being in a relationship means to me. This is not what being a healthy human being means to me.

The interesting thing was that intellectually I ‘knew’ a lot. I’ve got a background in social psychology, behavioral science, philosophy, and various brain-mind-body modalities. Yet, I wasn’t integrating that and living that authentically. So dealing with all the shame and the guilt and allowing myself to process that, seeking help outside of myself as well. Spiritual healers, shamans, energy-workers, counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, really going deep into every facet of me that I could. Spending deep time in solitude and breaking those patterns of co-dependency and love addiction and enmeshment that I experienced as a child. Where there was an emotional enmeshment that my mother was projecting onto me as the oldest son because my father was unavailable and not present.

From Pain To Power

All of these things and the forgiveness process and all of that. Then once I cleared up a lot of stuff and I delved into and continue to of course, into the realm of mysticism and Tantra and masculine feminine polarity dynamics and so forth and understanding universal principles of operation knowledge, physics. But more so how do we function as human beings and optimizing human behavior and the human spirit. I then began to seek connection in a healthier way, in a more transparent and honest way. What I realized was, I’ve been in this space for so long that my part of why I’m here is to really serve others and assist others in recognizing and empowering others. Help them recognize their own abilities to break free from their past and really live presently and be the grandest version of themselves possible. I experienced that directly through a lot of pain and a lot of joy and freedom and breaking those shackles and making those connections.

That’s so interesting! I love it how you’re talking about this. I talk a lot with my girlfriends and women in general. We are all like “where are the conscious men?” And you work a lot with more conscious men. So, give us a little bit of good hope. Are there many conscious men and how are my girls going to find them?

Disillusion By Relationships

It’s actually a really beautiful question and it’s a funny one at the same time as well. I have men coming to me saying where are all the ‘good women’? There’s a lot of men that have been disillusioned. People are disillusioned, full stop, by relationships because the reality is we’re coming into relationship, unconscious, wounded, in fear and in pain and we don’t even know it. That’s the worst part because we’re so unconscious to it.

So yes, there are many men and this is a relative term, many compared to the 3.5. 3.6 billion men that are out there. I want to get really mathematical. You take the portion of that which is in your dating range, your relationship range and it becomes less. But the point is there are many men that are rising to the occasion of seeing themselves differently and who are more willing to do the work. By the work, I mean they’re willing to look at their stuff and take responsibility collectively, but more so individually and be open to a new way of being. Whilst also stepping into healthier postures of their core essence, which is in my view, masculinity, if you’re a man. It doesn’t mean that you don’t carry feminine attributes, not at all. On a personal level, one of the core feminine attributes I’m working on right now is compassion and not so much empathy.

The Importance Of Integrating Feminine Attributes As A Men

That’s because I’m up-leveling where I’m at. So, in the process, at the moment of really going deep into what does compassion mean for me and how can I practice compassion and embody it at a deeper level? Because I’m noticing myself become less tolerant and less accepting of certain situations and that’s not me. That’s old parts of me coming into this version of me again, which I thought I had dealt with. Obviously not, but I know why it’s here and it’s asking me that. So I say that as a real-time, real-life example.

I feel my core essence, I know my core essence is quite masculine and I have reflections of my core essence that are feminine. I’m working on a feminine attribute right now, such as compassion as an example. It doesn’t mean that men can’t work or be in their feminine expressions and women can be in their masculine expressions. It’s how you work with that in the world and relate to others, how you balance your own inner polarity and then relate that to others and of course what your core essence is and what you want it to be as well.

There are amazing men out there that are stepping into the strong and healthy masculine and they are willing and open and they’re being responsive and it’s a growing area of human development. It’s a beautiful thing to witness. What I’m really advocating for is not men becoming effeminate or not men becoming hyper feminine because that’s not healthy. I’ve never met a woman that is in any healthy posture that said, yes, I want a feminine man.

People have their own individual way of describing what that means, of describing what femininity looks like or masculinity looks like. There’s a general consensus and this is a crossover where there’s agreement of what that looks like and feels like. My thing for men is stepping into your healthy masculine and access to your feminine expression will come very naturally because you’re in your natural core essence and you’re living that truth and you’re serving the world in that way.

Step into your healthy masculine and access to your feminine expression will come very naturally! Click To Tweet

That’s really interesting because actually for most of the time I have more male clients than female clients because of the work that I do. I work a lot with feelings, like expressing the feelings vulnerably. Once the men get there, and it’s not easy for them, because they’ve held up that belief for so long that men have to be strong. You can’t show or shed a tear or whatever. But once they do, they actually get so much stronger by respecting their own heart and expressing that. From that vulnerability and that exposure comes so much strength because nothing is actually really harder than that. It’s super beautiful to watch for me really.

Leaves changing colour
Relational Alchemy: Transformation/Transmutation of a current state into another.

Relational Alchemy

Relational alchemy. Can you elaborate a little bit on that term for our listeners? Do you consider yourself an alchemist and how does that show for you?

Yeah. Alchemy for me, again on a personal note I’m in a, not a brand change of any kind, but I mean a title change. I still resonate with relational alchemist because I know for me what that means, I’ll explain in a moment. It’s very simple. I’m not sure it’s a highly relatable term to others though. So I’m considering very much reframing that. I’m just not sure what as yet, it’s not a priority. But for me, relational alchemy means transforming our unhealthy relationships to things, ideas, people, ourselves, our past, our present, our future.

That’s what alchemy really is, a transformation or transmutation of one thing into another, of the old into the new. Do I consider myself an alchemist in that respect? Absolutely. I think we all are actually, I think we really all are. Especially if we’re aware around ourselves and aware about how can I be different in the world? The moment you asked that question, the moment you’re curious about can I do this better or different or more effectively or with a greater value set, whatever that may be, such as compassion or greater empathy or greater resolve. You’re alchemizing one state into another. So really I help people and empower people, transform their own lives or transmute their own lives. That’s what alchemy is.

What’s your approach in that? How would people work with you?

It’s multi-faceted. Because I’m schooled in various modalities, I blend a lot of what I’ve learned and I bring that into the sessions and the mentorship of the coaching or the time that I spend with people. I give some examples that can be traditional psychotherapy, trauma release therapy, biodynamic, holotropic breathwork, energy healing, energy work, simple yet in-depth talk therapy. It’s a combination of mind, body modalities, somatic work as well. So it just really depends on the issues presenting and how people are unraveling themselves and presenting themselves. We’d go into polarity dynamics, which is helping harmonize the internal self. So many modalities, neuro-empowerment practices as well. Where we’re changing and shifting old belief systems, limiting belief systems and creating new ones. Again, a form of transmutation in our community in a sense.

What modern relationship issues do you think are happening right now? In my work with couples, I can see like a red thread. But I’d be curious to learn what your perception is about that.

Modern Relationship Issues

I think there’s so much that’s going on. Some of what I see consistently is projection and externalized shaming and blaming. People aren’t taking responsibility for their behavior, their actions, their beliefs, their thought processes, the subtleties in their communication and their language. I’m seeing people become very selfish and very self-absorbed, portraying narcissistic tendencies, not being narcissistic. I’m very mindful of that. But displaying narcissistic tendencies to some degree.

On the flip side of that, I’m also seeing people in relationships being really willing, cause the people that are coming to me are saying, hey, we’re pretty fucked, or we’re stuck right now. I realize that I’m doing this, he’s doing that or she’s doing that. How can we shift this? We need some tools. The flip side to that, I’m seeing that growth as well. But to answer your question again in greater depth some of the issues, again, I’m seeing people being very easily distracted because they’re not content with where they are and who they are.

There’s a restlessness in relationships. They’re not sure how to communicate and relate to each other emotionally, sexually, psychologically, financially, familiarly after the ‘honeymoon period’, hormonal rush, has died down, seeing a lot of that as well. I’m seeing people butt up more than ever against their own internal unconscious wounding. That’s causing them to reflect less, being their pain more and often separate quickly. I’m seeing a lot of that.

Yeah. We’re giving up pretty quickly when there’s so much choice out there.

Yeah, that’s one of the issues and there are a myriad of things that have contributed to that: technology, social media connectivity, globalization, socio-economics, access to resources, systemic issues, collective issues, there is so much at play here. The way that we relate, understand ourselves, access to knowledge and resources. A lot of things are changing.

Yeah, it’s actually a really big lost chance because then we’re just carrying our wounds into the next relationship. We haven’t really learned our lessons yet. However, when actually we work on our wounds, we get to create this incredible intimacy because I really get to see you and I really got to see your pain and your heart and your soul, and that makes me so attracted to you. But it’s scary. I understand.

One of the important questions I think for the listeners of our show is always when it comes to love addiction stuff, because we’re running very fast into other relationships. It’s really good to spend some time evaluating a partner that we’re considering diving deeper with. I saw one of your posts about the important questions before entering into a relationship. Do you want to maybe lay out a couple of them?

Know Thyself First

We can't really evaluate a new partner before knowing ourselves first. Click To Tweet

Sure! I’d like to say as well, when we’re evaluating a partner, we can’t really do that without knowing ourselves first. So we can evaluate someone either based on unconscious wounding and unconscious patterning, doesn’t have to always be wounding. But unconscious patterning what we think is right for us based on an older version of self that doesn’t really have a place in our contemporary self. Or we can evaluate the suitability of a partner based on a healthier version of self through deeper and greater levels of self-awareness and self-gnosis. In order to know yourself, we have to study ourselves essentially. We have to be with ourselves, spend time in solitude.

I always recommend people having ample time between partner. That’s not always going to be the case, but for the majority of the time between partnerships spend time on your own, get to know yourself from different perspectives and different angles. Then you can go and when you’re asking a partner, a prospective partner a myriad of questions that you will also answer and that you will also share together. Then you can determine greater suitability and greater resonance. That’s a beautiful word. Resonance is a beautiful word. We’re talking about a vibrational match at every level. So, there are so many questions, where do we start?

Questions To Evaluate A Potential Partner

I think humor brings in lightness and different perspectives. So, asking questions, silly questions, or fun questions, such as if you were to be an animal and you were to rule the world, what animal would you be? Silly questions like that, but they’re also lateral thinking and creative questions too. Asking questions such as, what’s your relationship to your father? Tell me about your childhood. Tell me about your greatest pain and what did you do to overcome or move through that? Tell me what your greatest fear is right now. What are your greatest ambitions or where do you wish to be in 10 years? What are your top five values? These are just some questions. There are many, many more.

Happy couple laughing
Humour is very important in relationships.

Talk to me about sexuality. Are you into the contemporary definition of monogamy, or are you into non-monogamy? Have you experimented enough sexually in your life? Do you feel you need more? What’s your greatest sexual fantasy? People often ask, once I provide some examples,  when do we ask these questions? The answer to that is, I can’t tell you, no one can. You got to feel that out yourself. It could be the first date, it could be the third date. What I do recommend though is early on in the pace, early as possible. Just put it out there. If that person can’t handle those types of questions, then maybe they’re not where you are. That’s the reality of it. They tick all the boxes, they’re attractive. They may be grounded, they may have a great mind. They may be emotionally literate and intelligent. You can still have fun with these questions as well. It doesn’t have to be doom and gloom. Don’t make every question deep and profound and dense. Mix it up and get there pretty quick!

That’s so nice! Or you can ask, if you were an elephant, how would you move and what sound would you make? Then play around in the living room. Fun is so important. I’m from Switzerland, so we’re very like not humorous at all, so this is my big learning with other people to lighten up and be funny and stuff.

Yeah, you’re a very serious bunch, Huh?

Yeah, we are indeed!

But you seem to have broken that mold!

Well, I’m trying, I’m trying.

Sexuality. I think it’s interesting to talk about that because there’s so much misconception about monogamy vs. non-monogamy and when is it smart to choose what? I think it’s a big trend and people overstep their boundaries because it is a trend. What’s your experience in how to deal with that in a relationship? How would you suggest people open up that conversation?

How To Open Up Difficult Conversations

Firstly, with great honesty, reverence and compassion. Prior to opening up that conversation, really give it some thought and feeling first within yourself. Sit with it. Don’t just vomit out “I want to be non-monogamous because I’m finding myself attracted to other people and that must mean that I’m non-monogamous!” Consult. Have a council around you or have a group of friends or peers that you trust, respect and revere that can give you as an objective opinion as possible. Seek counsellor or professional advice as well before you go speak to your partner about this. I’m not saying hang on for months and months, but just give it a little bit of time, just sit with it first.

Let it consolidate within you and have some clarity, especially if you’re a man. Have some posture and within yourself when you go to your woman and say, assuming it’s a normative, heterosexual relationship. Hey, I’ve been having these thoughts lately. I’ve been really giving some thought to non-monogamy and I’m not rushing into anything. I’m not insinuating that’s what we do. I just want to be honest with what I’m feeling. Come from that place and consider that person and really ask them what they’re feeling, what they’re thinking. Also ask yourself, where’s this urge coming from? Is it coming from a wounding or a pain or fear? Or is it coming from a genuine need or desire to explore and be curious? Really get clear on that. That’s important.

There Are Pros And Cons For Both (Non)Monogamy

There’s nothing wrong or right with monogamy or non-monogamy. There’s pros and cons for both and those pros and cons are based on the individuals and not based on one system being better or worse than the other. It depends where you are at with your own personal evolution and your own personal growth phase. It depends on what you really want in life and being honest with that can be the hardest part.

Really understand that if you come to someone and your partner is really triggered by that, be compassionate and empathetic, that’s really important. Because if they’re triggered, maybe it’s an opportunity for both of you to heal something, whether you go down that path or not, that’s irrelevant. The conversation itself and the opening of that can be enough to really go deeper into some old pain or stuff that’s stuck. Then you can make a decision tangibly and pragmatically what you decide to do.

Right. Because people tend to just jump into it and what I also often see is men are confusing the longing for freedom with, I just need to fuck around. But it doesn’t really have to do much one with the other. Is that your experience too?

I have found freedom in committment and in relationship through clearing up my shit. Click To Tweet

Freedom In Commitment

It is. It’s my personal experience as well. I’ve found freedom in commitment and in relationship through clearing up my shit. I’m not in a non-monogamous relationship. My fiancé and I choose to be, for lack of a better term, exclusive to each other. If at any point in the future we were to have that conversation, it would definitely come from a place of love and it would definitely come from a place of let me understand me and let me understand you and vice versa. We choose to be this way because we believe, we both believe. I won’t speak for Christina, I’ll just speak for myself because I believe that there’s a deepening and an acceleration in my evolution by being in this type of dynamic and deepening that relationship continually with that one person in this particular expression and way.

Developing Trust

Maybe that will change in 2 years, 5 years, 12 years, 30 years. I don’t know. I don’t foresee that happening because I’m committed to the space that I’m in and I really see the value in that. It’s how we communicate that though. That’s what’s important, knowing that we have to develop trust, and that comes from being consistent. That comes from being mindful of each other. That comes from seeing each other and knowing each other, loving each other, respecting each other, being honest and transparent with each other, and a variety of other factors that are involved in cultivating healthy relationships. Then we can have difficult conversations from a place of health and clarity as opposed for a place of murkiness and shadow selves. If we don’t clear up our own stuff, we’re going to be triggered more often than not.

Couple in bed cuddling
Building trust means being consistent, mindful and loving with each other.

That’s really beautiful because one of the mistakes that I did in the past was to open up to non-monogamy before you’re building your base. I think that’s one of the biggest mistakes. It’s kind of like fleeing that level of intimacy that you can create with your partner.

Fear-Based Monogamy Won’t Pay Out

So many people and not everyone, but there are many people that move into non-monogamy because they’re running away from intimacy. There are many people that move into monogamy for unhealthy reasons as well. They want to feel safe and secure because they don’t feel that within themselves. That’s a codependent, desperate energy, codependent relationship, desperate energy that they’re coming from. That’s not healthy either. Monogamy, non-monogamy is not the question. It’s more the question of who are you and what have you cleared within yourself to be in a clear conduit of communication and presence in the world today?

Often I also feel it’s simply the act of speaking it out, that thought of having the freedom to say, Hey, I’m considering this. Can you hear me in that? Can you meet me in that? Once I have been received in that I can maybe even drop it.

Yes, absolutely. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day and he was talking to me about this woman that he’s been with for a relatively short period of time. We were talking about monogamy vs. non-monogamy. What he was saying was about desire specifically. When he’s out in public and he sees a beautiful woman, and he desires her in a capacity, whether emotionally to have a conversation with her, physically or sexually. What he was saying is that when he allows himself to fully feel that desire in his body, fully encompass it, fully embody it, fully feel it. Once he fully feels it, he doesn’t have the need to pursue it any further because he’s allowed himself to feel, he hasn’t denied himself. When he goes home and comes home, his energy and his attention is on his beloved. Really beautiful!

Yes. It’s like he’s making it an inside experience and he’s not connecting it to the woman.

Correct.

That’s what I say to all my male clients. You know what, you can just let it run through you, dance with it and then you just feel it and you’re enjoying that life energy and you work with that, you create with that. But I think we’re just so conditioned to say I see something I want to have and then I’m going for it. But that doesn’t really have to be the case.

I was listening to an interview with Dan Bilzerian, most people would look at him and say he’s highly hedonistic and he says it himself, it’s just money and women, money and women. In this interview he also says that it’s an empty pursuit. It’s an empty void and it doesn’t actually make us happy. It doesn’t make me happy. I still do it and he knows it.

Interesting! I also read somewhere in your work about the term Modern Chivalry. Can you get a little bit into that?

Sure. There’s contention, confusion around the origins of chivalry and why it was born. Some scholars say it was because of the extreme violence that was occurring in medieval Europe in those times. It was recognized that a change was needed. There was so much death and violence and gore and war and all of that, that somebody needed to give. They started redirecting energy, can’t remember which king it was.

It was a king that said, okay let’s change this and let’s bring the honor code of the knight into everyday life as well. So when the soldiers come back, they can adjust. So they started placing this value, this ethos and this philosophical value on knighthood as well. It was also included in codes of conduct and included how to treat ourselves, how to treat others, courtly love. There was some valance and honor and bribery in consciousness that was associated with this. He was an important part of society back then, and it really allowed men to be who they were in war and what was required to survive.

Essentially chivalry is a moral system and it’s embedded in a warrior ethos, but it’s also very adjustable to relationship. There’s a number of different principles that are associated with chivalry. What my take on it is how can we take those principles of past, I think it was around 14th century, somewhere there and bring them into contemporary times while still honoring our own sense of masculinity? That for me is what chivalry is.

Can you make an example of one aspect of it?

Faith As Part Of Modern Chivalry

Yeah, sure. Let’s look at faith. Faith is having trust and ability, posturing and intent of presence and love of the woman in your life and in your own being. To trust and honor their word, their being who they are, how they choose to move through the world and how they present themselves. The faith part as well transcends into having integrity for all that individual man would do and what he surrounds himself with. What does he choose to surround himself with? The love and the people that hold true to the same virtue as well.

So, surrounding himself with similar values. One will also remain faithful to his promises, no matter how big or small they may be. This is integrity for a man as well. That’s one example that directly can translate to how you are showing up in relationship today. How are you honoring the woman that is in your life today and her needs and how she presents herself in the world and what her interests are, and can you respect her mind and her heart? And having the faith in oneself to be that man.

Feels very good. Thank you so much! The last topic I just want to get into is when you talked about masculine sexual complexity. Generally, what I see often also in my clients, people are not really educated when it comes to more of the sacred and more deeper, a more meaningful sexuality. I’m thinking that goes into that. So, can you maybe talk about this?

Differences Between The Feminine And Masculine Sexual Experience

So, this is a very complex conversation and subject matter, but let’s touch on it. This is really important. When we’re talking about one of the domains of the masculine and we’re talking about masculine energy, the masculine holds himself to completion, to accomplishment, to achieve, to finality and finishing. That’s a strong, masculine energy, something finish it. It’s a doing energy. Whenever we start doing and moving in that energy and gather momentum in that space, all we want to do is finish. We want to complete, we want to achieve.

When we translate that into sexuality we’re talking about what’s the finality, what’s the end state? The end state is orgasm. I need orgasm. She needs to orgasm. I need to make this happen. I’m responsible with this. I’m going all in. So we become very single minded and very hyper masculine per se. But that’s not what the feminine is about. The feminine is more about process and attention and slowing things down and to detail and being very present to that opening, slowly opening and opening and opening. So again, the domain of the masculine is to complete as quickly as possible, as effectively as possible and efficiently as possible.

The domaine of the masculine is to complete as quickly as possible, as effectively as possible and as efficiently as possible. Click To Tweet

The Importance Of Slowing Things Down

These are all unconscious occurrences in the mind, body, spirit. Men think and feel at some level, unconsciously, consciously that what they’re doing is the right thing. I have to help her orgasm as many times as possible, as quickly as possible. I’m doing the right thing. I’m here, I’m a man, I’m making it happen. Nothing is wrong with that if you both want or are in that energy. But to do that continuously, it’s a little bit monotonous. There’s an important aspect of sexual relating and unifying as being missed out and that’s slowing things down and being really present to the unravelling. In modern times it’s called foreplay.

But there’s something about foreplay that allows us to deepen our intimacy and our connection, our relationship. So it’s not just about foreplay, but it’s about completion. So we have to redefine completion that a process can be completion itself. That a man touching a woman, the woman’s small of her back and caressing the small of her back doesn’t necessarily mean he has to then have sex with her or she have sex with him. It can just be just that, that’s completion in and of itself. An eye gazing ritual can be completion in and of itself. A massage doesn’t have to lead to sexual penetration. It can be completion in and of itself.

Can you ravish your woman with total presence without the need to orgasm or complete anything? Click To Tweet

Every action that’s taken is given full attention and full presence. Very few, I’ve never met a woman that hasn’t been really interested in that type of relating. I’m not saying you can’t ravish as a man. You can’t ravish a woman or that she does not want to be ravished, absolutely! Can you do that with presence and can you do that with not needing to orgasm or complete something? It’s the ravishment in and of itself. We’re talking about soft intimacy or hard intimacy or taking, surrendering. It’s all on the table. But are we attaching an outcome to that? Cause that’s what the masculine wants to do.

As an experience, it says, okay, what do I need to achieve now to make this experience complainant? Orgasm. That’s where we’ve got to go. Then it becomes this single monotone thing. If he becomes flaccid he’s failed, if she’s not wet enough or moist enough, I don’t mean to use crude terms, but if she’s not generating that internal fluid that indicates that she’s ‘turned on’ and aroused, then he’s failing, if she’s not orgasm he’s failing. We pull these pressures on ourselves. Whereas why don’t we just remain step-by-step. Every 8 seconds, just be present, readjust our perception and our focus every 8 seconds literally and just be there. That’s a game changer and not easy to do.

Right. I often experience how there is kind of like a hierarchy in it. Because if the woman isn’t opened up layer by layer in her time, she won’t ever give herself fully to the man. But when he manages to open her up, he can actually ravish her at some point later on.

If that’s what she wants and that’s what he wants, absolutely.

But then I see some men just saying it’s exhausting spending all the time and energy and presence on women. I’m like, come on, can you not see the gift in it? Maybe tell my male listener the gift in taking the time and slowing down for the woman.

Girl floating in water
Untapped, uncalled feminine surrender as a result of slowing down.

Honestly, in as little words as possible, the gift is complete surrender from your woman to you. It’s untapped, uncalled surrender. The thing we have to be mindful of is that we don’t want to get into the habit of doing something for something. We want to make sure we don’t get into that habit. We just want to get into the practice of doing it for the intrinsic value of doing it and experiencing. But the outcome of that of there had to be an outcome is, all things being equal, if the individuals are fairly clear with themselves is complete surrender.

Oh God. That’s so beautiful. I think that’s a beautiful note to end our interview. But I don’t want to let you go before you share with our listeners where they can find you. Maybe there is something you’re working on that you want to share, that’s important to you. So yeah, take your time.

Yeah, absolutely. Thank you. So you can find me on stefanossifandos.com and my Instagram and Facebook is Stefanos Sifandos. I’m working on a couple of things. For the men reclaim your kingdom. I’m already in one at the moment. I launched these at various times during the year, multiple times during the year. It begins with an 8 week immersive journey for men, really powerful. We cover sexuality leadership, we cover sovereignty, we cover virtues and values, we cover the archetypes. We go really deep, we cover relationships, sexual relating, health and vitality, all of that. It’s super powerful and super exciting as well.

Then for the ladies, I’m very excited about this. This has been a long time in the making. I have a program called be the queen or be the queen, attract your king. This one is for the single ladies that are really looking for love and looking to be with a healthy man. This is a three months immersive journey. This is in a smaller group, I limit it to 15 people, 15 ladies and we go deep for 3 months and we would go all into polarity dynamics. I help you understand men, the minds of men, the feelings of men. I really see there are many women out there suffering and doing the work and wanting to attract a healthy person. They’re tired of the dating apps and they’re tired of the dating sites and the disconnected men that aren’t present. We go deep into a lot of that and that’s a 3 month deep dive with a small group of sisters. It’s an honor to be able to facilitate something like that. Both actually commence in October between the 10th and the 16th of October.

That sounds amazing. I will definitely check it out myself.

Well, it’s been a real pleasure talking with you. I feel really how you’re embodying what you’re teaching. It’s beautiful to meet with you to see that presence in a man. I hope all of my listeners are inspired too. That’s what I always say in the show put your standard up and don’t go for the breadcrumbs. Just wait and wait until it’s right and then dive full in. Thank you so much. I wish you good luck with your business and with your purpose and your passion.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

Wasn’t that an important conversation to have? Remember one of the things we both agree on: If we don’t do the proper healing work needed, we’re gonna be triggered more often than not and we bring our wounding into our relationships. Healing really is not optional. I am offering you two solutions to get your healing work started: You can become part of the Healing Pool or participate in one of my exclusive retreats coming up in October in Italy this year. I have taken many many people on the journey toward self-healing and you will quickly see deep transformation and empowerment to live the love life you truly long for.

I look forward to hearing from you! Be well, Aleah

Important Links:

About Stefanos Sifandos:

Handsome Man in Suit
Relational Alchemist: Stefanos Sifandos

Stefanos has been immersed in deep men’s empowerment work and the exploration of intimate and sacred relationships. Merging the best of eastern and western methodologies and philosophies to promote balance, sacredness and power in life and love. Using integrative techniques and methods, such as neural-empowerment, Shamanic Praxis, holotropic and biodynamic breath work, trauma release and integration, western psychology, Eastern Mysticism and more, Stefanos has created programs, models and systems to enhance the quality of your life, your intimate relationships and in essence bring you closer to your potential.

Having worked with thousands of men and women from all over the world, elite special forces soldiers, Olympic gold medalists, some of the best fighters (multiple world champions) and leveraging physical challenge as an opportunity for transformation and expansion, Stefanos has learned much about the male and masculine condition and as a result deep insight in to the feminine and female condition.

Having also traversed the depths of his own pain, suicidal thoughts and fears profoundly, He has overcome destructive patterns and has faced and overcome multiple ‘ego deaths’. Stefanos understands there is difference between culturally defined masculinity and sacred masculinity. He further explores what it means to be a GOOD man and to be GOOD at being a man in today’s world.

By restructuring and reframing his own masculinity and movement through the world as a man relating to himself, his environment, women and his purpose, He has discovered and created methodologies and innovative models for navigating the often-difficult path of contemporary manhood and intimate relationships.

Stefanos places his focus and energy towards evolving the nature relationships in contemporary times. An advocate and proponent of “sacred union”, Stefanos believes cultivating healthy relationships to self, ideas, others, our lovers and the Earth will liberate humanity towards a new empowered expression of itself. Through a deeper connection to God, Earth and self, Stefanos realised the power of the human spirit. We often avoid challenge, fear and pain, however for the modern man (now more than ever), they are tools for transformation that help us heal universally.

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