Emotional Recycling is a skill that will take all of your relationships to the next level. If we want to create more peace and love in our life and in the world you gotta know what it is and how to do it. It is the very essence of my book called “Are You Sure It’s Love?” that is currently up for preorder on Publishizer. A lot of hard work and many years of personal development and therapy have gone into this. It’s not just for us love junkies out there, it is for anyone who wants to become better at this thing called LOVE. Today I aspire to elaborate on what Emotional Recycling actually means and why you NEED to know this term.
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Moving Into REALationships Through Learning The Art Of Emotional Recycling
Welcome back everyone! In today’s blog! Today we will dive into the term “Emotional Recycling” but first let me thank you for sticking with this show. I am super grateful actually as I am getting more and more feedback from my listeners since I started out in August. It has been such an exciting journey this last year where I actively built up my business and started helping people fine-tune their relationships. I experience nothing but magic in my personal coaching sessions with couples and individuals who really show up to work through their love and sex-related issues. It has been very rewarding and I am learning every time I sit down with any of my clients.
The Art Of Emotional Recycling is a term I came up with now that I have almost finished writing my book. By the way, I’d be super so grateful if after you read this blog entry you head over to publishizer to preorder my book. Think of who might need to know this powerful message about love and share the campaign with them. There are a couple of interesting packages you can book and there is even an invite to the exclusive retreat I will be holding in May in Perugia, in Italy where we dive deeply into Emotional Recycling. Half of the 12 spots are already gone, so make sure to check it out. This week will definitely be an exquisite and rather magical experience that takes you out of the mundane onto a magical carpet ride!
Emotional Recycling: From (Re)acting-Out to Feeling
If we want to create more peace and love in our life and in the world, in general, we have to become what I call an “Emotional Recycler.” An Emotional Recycler has the ability and takes responsibility to feel, instead of acting or re-acting out. I know the term acting out is much used when it comes to kids but I am addressing us adults who often leash out, one could say when we feel upset, hurt, in pain, frustrated and so on. So I am using the term acting out however.
I want to first differentiate between acting out and re-acting out. We act out when we are the one initiating an act-out. We re-act out when we react unconsciously and impulsively to someone elses act out where we get into a sort of counter-attack. In essence in both cases, the same thing happens: instead of feeling our mostly painful and uncomfortable feelings that get triggered by an external stimuli, we unconsciously want to get rid of these feelings, we want to regulate our feelings and then often we unload these feelings onto someone else. And that always creates harm and disconnection.
Acting Out vs. Re-acting Out
Let’s start with acting-out. Act-outs are an unconscious response to painful triggers. Acting-out means “the action or an act of expressing repressed or unconscious feelings in overt behaviour.“ So, for example a deeply imprinted feeling of not being good enough can come out sideways when one is being criticized whether that was real or a perceived criticism. Instead of saying “ouch, it hurts me so much when you critizise me – it makes me feel so worthless!” we can get very defensive and put blame on our partner instead. That’s just one way of acting out.
If we take an example of re-acting out: Then it could be something like: someone is acting out on us and therewith hurts us with their act-out. Again, instead of staying with the pain that it causes us, we express the triggered yet unfelt pain in overt behaviours, such as wanting to hurt the other person back or become meaner, louder, passive aggressive or whatever. Again, instead of saying ”Ouch, you hurt me when you do/say that,” and cry about it, we counter-attack and maybe say mean things back, or, in the worst cases, we become histerical or even physical.There are 1001 ways we act out constantly in relationships creating more hurt and separation instead of love and connection. Click To Tweet
What are ways we are acting out? It’s about shaming someone, judging someone, belitteling someone, passive-agressiveness, withdrawl of love or attention, screaming, shouting, becoming physical, bitching around, harshness, coldness, being distant, ignoring someone, making someone wrong, disrespecting someone, scare someone, cross someones boundaries, gossip, jealousy, posseviveness, oh my god there are 1001 ways we act out constantly. Not just with our partners, but also with friends, family, at work, at school. It’s everywhere.
Why do we act out?
In my experience, different painful and sometimes even traumatic events especially in early years of our life have left us with wounds. One of the most subtle but very impactful things was the early absence of love. When we are born, we are little beings, full of needs, and we are fully dependent on someone else taking care of us. We need to be fed, dressed, bathed, put to sleep, and kept safe, but, most importantly, besides the obvious needs for food, shelter, and safety, we need to be held, cuddled, loved, seen, validated, paid attention to, touched, looked at, talked to, and respected in our feelings.
In other words, we need to be deeply loved. And we need it at the time we need it. If these needs are not met at the moment we need it, meaning if we are not loved when we need it, we are in deep pain and we translate that into feeling unworthy and unloved. To me, that was where my never-ending feeling of not being good enough came from that so many of us face and that keeps so many of us living up to our true potential, making things happen for us, living that great version of our self.
Not experiencing that deep love truly meant that we might die. I have experienced these feelings of early absence of love over and over again in a deep feeling therapy. It was very painful. It’s also about not having been validated in our feelings or having been treated with disrespect, ignorance, having been ridiculed and so on. These experiences left very deep marks in our beings.
The pain of these experiences is so deep that at that time, it felt super super overwhelming. There was no one we could go to with the pain, so naturally we learned to repress that. Repression doesn’t make these feelings go away, actually they amplify, meaning they get bigger and they start living a life on their own. They want to be noticed, they want to be felt and addressed. If we don’t, if we keep repressing them, they will come out sideways in act-outs, meaning, we act out all over the place, hoping to finally be seen and validated. On top of that, all our pent-up stress, anger and pain, our emotional threshold is very little which makes us re-act when someone else puts their shit onto us. This all happens because we haven’t addressed these feelings and our pain properly and instead we have hidden it deep deep down in our unconscious.Repression doesn’t make feelings go away, it actually amplifies them, meaning they get bigger and then they start living a life on their own. Click To Tweet
The problem about acting out or re-acting out is that it creates so much harm, so much disconnection, so much mistrust when actually we are all longing for the opposite. Especially in intimate relationships, it happens so much and it really harms the relationship. Because we are unloading our pain and frustration and unmet needs onto someone else instead of taking responsibility for our own wounds. It hurts the other person especially when we act out or re-act out in a way that is mostly out of proportion with an intensity that seems too much, inadequate compared to what really happened and to be fair oftentimes its almost inappropriate.
Why do we react out of proportion, why that intensity?
And that is really an interesting concept. Every time, we have a reaction to something that feels painful, overwhelming or is just too much is because neutrality in our reaction, meaning, appropriate intensity in our reaction is tainted with something that does not belong to the current situation. And that something are old feelings, old triggers, memories that get reactivated and because they are unresolved from chronic repression, they speak a very strong language.
So every situation has two parts: One is reality, someone does something and you feel hurt. Yes. That happened. If your reaction is according to what really happened you know you are coming from the right place within yourself. If your reaction is to re-act out or to be overly intense where you both feel that something is off here, your more disconnected, then you are most likely hijacked by old feelings, triggers and memories that come to the surface. So reality gets mixed with old feelings and old memories. And the crazy thing is that it can feel so real which is just an indication that these feelings that are being triggered are massive and are feelings that you felt many times while growing up.
Now If we want to react to someones actions in an appropriate intensity instead of unloading all that pent up anger, pain, sadness, frustration onto someone else, we have to make sure that before reacting, we take the time to feel what something does to us.
And that is where you are taking the role of an Emotional Recycler. If we look at the definition of recycling it goes something like that “return something to a previous state”. One could say to its essence right? What is the essence of our true being? It’s Love, its compassion, its understanding, its acceptance, its connection, its trust, its Love. Everything else is merely a product of our painful experiences that conditioned us to believe otherwise.The moment someone acts out or re-acts out, he is no longer in a state of love, he is in a state of fear and disconnection. Click To Tweet
The moment someone acts out or re-acts out, he is no longer in a state of love, he is in a state of fear and disconnection. The moment we act out on someone we are coming from a state of fear and pain not love.
So as an Emotional Recycler we recycle our own and someone elses act out back into love and compassion. You not only recycle your own act-outs, but you practice and over time possess the ability to hold space for someone else’s act-out as well. This does in no way mean that you repress your own feelings. Of course, you will experience painful feelings when someone attacks and hurts you, but you choose to take responsibility and feel what it triggers inside of you, instead of unconsciously “re-acting” out.
Someone Else’s Behaviour Has Mostly Nothing To Do With You
I call it “emotional recycling”, because you choose to recycle someone else’s’ act-out back into Love, without compromising your own integrity. This is how we create peace and love in the world and how we, each and every one of us, can contribute to help other people heal their pain as well.
Because, remember, if someone acts out on you, it hardly ever has anything to do with you. It’s just them being unable to feel what is beneath the act-out. What would they have to feel if they did not act out? What would you have to feel if you did not act out and unload your discomfort onto someone else? If you start to understand that and you want to be of true service to others, then you recycle their pain through you taking responsibility for your pain.What would you have to feel if you did not act out and unload your discomfort onto someone else? Click To Tweet
But why would we do that? By doing that, we enable healing in the other person. In other words, an emotional recycler is able to hold space for another person‘s act-out. Through holding space for other people‘s act-outs, that act-out has nowhere to go and bounces right back to the initiator. This will make the person have to deal with their feelings instead of acting-out instead of outsourcing responsibility to someone else. By dealing with their feelings, they’d ultimately have the chance to heal something within themselves. If an act-out is not being received, it has to go back to where it came from.
This, in itself, has a profound effect on the initiator and will change the dynamic immediately. Of course, I am not talking about the idea that we should hold space for someone that acts out violently and physically on us. In this case, we get away as fast as we can and make sure that we are safe. I am addressing more subtle emotional act-outs, such as passive-aggressive behaviour, gossiping, belittling, acted out anger or frustration and so on. But these rather subtle and little act outs is what causes so much resentment in relationship to a point where they is no return and that is usually when people break up.
Acting Out Is Mostly An Involuntary Act
So Emotional Recycling is an essential part of my book. Learning the Art of Emotional Recycling because it is challenging. One of the reasons why is that if we still have quite a large amount of unresolved repressed feelings inside of ourselves, we wont necessarily be able to not act-out or to hold a space for someone elses act-out. Because your pain is still too big and will speak for itself. You acting out or re-acting outwill be an involuntary act, in the beginning. It is impulsive. You have almost no control over it and I write in the book why this happens. It has to do with the areas of our brain. Only once you have felt enough of your pent-up pain and anger, it will become easier and easier to not be so triggered anymore. By feeling our pain, we enlarge our emotional threshold, there is more space inside of us. That is when you will start being able to hold space for someone else’s act outs instead of reacting. Then, awareness will be bigger than the compulsive act outs and you will start getting some serious control over how you behave and carry yourself.Pains speaks its own language. Click To Tweet
Once you have felt enough of your pain, you will no longer be triggered easily, and you will no longer act-out on the level that constantly hurts other people (and therefore creates more destruction and disconnection). When you no longer act-out unconsciously, you can be of real service to others. To me, being of service gives great fulfilment. I am so happy, and I feel very connected, and I feel love when I get to do something for someone else that clearly helps them. A life of service is a life lived with dignity, integrity, and compassion. It is a must-have in today’s age and time. Humans have been evolving ever since the beginning of existence. We constantly kept evolving, physically, and then, we developed a thinking brain, which is able to have awareness, reflection, and so on. Our next step of evolution is to be a fully alive and emotive being, who is able to own and express their feelings, to be vulnerable, and to stand in their truth. From that place, we allow everyone else to do the same.
To conclude, why are emotional recyclers able to hold space instead of (involuntarily) RE-acting-out?
- They have felt enough of their own pain, so they are no longer triggered so quickly and intensely, which would otherwise make them re-act-out
- They are able to own and take responsibility for what might get triggered in them and consciously decide to go feel instead of re-acting out
- They truly understood that we need to help heal each other and they want to be of service to others, in order to help heal the world, one human at a time
I’ll be going into details in my book and as I said, this is something that needs practice and relentless work on your own triggers but I work like that with all of my clients and honestly we experience a lot of Magic from Emotional Recycling. In the retreat in May here in Perugia, in Umbria, Italia, that is going to be one of the core elements that we will be addressing and it is a skill not only for intimate relationships, you can do that in any situation in life and it is beyond powerful!
Help me finish writing this book by preordering a hard copy today. There are great packages available and I’d be super grateful to be backed up in this.
If you have questions in the meantime, just pm me! Have a great night!