Rejection hurts so bad as it triggers our feelings of unworthiness like nothing else. Despite being rejected, some people keep pursuing the person in an attempt to prove to themselves that they are indeed lovable. We engage in unrequited love and do not realize that there is actually nothing to prove when you honor and love yourself. Understand why you keep running after people who don’t want you and learn what you can do about it. Rejection is your protection, there is nothing sexy in pursuing someone who won’t love you back. Walk away with dignity and an open heart, creating yet another glorious moment, where you chose yourself first!
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Rejection Is Your Protection!
For a moment, let me ask you to recall a moment when you have been rejected. And remember how it felt like. Today, we’ll be looking at the nature of rejection. Rejection just hurts, and it impacts us very deeply, it’s a complicated thing. When we are being rejected, it can temporarily cloud our thinking because the feelings connected to it can be quite extreme. It often makes us feel utterly worthless, and we usually do almost anything to avoid feeling worthless. It can also make us do things we would never do if we were clear-headed. It triggers our feelings of not being good enough, of not being loved, of actually being worthless. These feelings often originated from our childhood in some form or another. To learn more about it, you can listen to episode no 9, where I elaborate on it in much more detail.
Rejection Triggers Painful Childhood Feelings
When we feel worthless, it can make us bend over backwards to get love. That is how some of us turned into a person, we did not actually envision to be in our adult life. We trade self-expression and freedom of being who we truly are for what we think is love. It seemed like a good plan at that time as having to feel that we aren’t loved might as well have meant that we would die. It’s like there is no sense to be alive when one is not loved. As kids, we did pretty much everything to get love. And yet, often it was taken away, as a form of punishment and it left deep wounds within us.We do almost anything to prove that we are in fact worthy! Click To Tweet
When we get rejected today, it triggers these exact same early feelings, and we’d almost do anything to prove that we are worthy. When being triggered because we feel rejected, we mostly react in two ways: either we twist and turn and become whatever the person wants us to be, so we don’t feel rejected anymore because they are giving us love. Or we pretend not to be hurt by it, and we believe to be fine thinking “if you reject me that’s fine. I don’t need you anyway!” and we push them away. When we do that, we repress our hurt, and we try to stay in control. It seems to be a good solution, but I think, that neither of it works in the long run. Why? Because both ways to react come from a non-neutral space. They come from a triggered space inside of ourselves. When we are triggered and act before feeling our feelings, we mostly react unconsciously from the wounded place inside of ourselves which creates more hurt, separation, and disconnection. Episode no 16 and 17 talk about this in detail.
Engaging in unrequited love never ends well
Just a couple of episodes ago I had an interview with Damona Hoffman, and in that interview, she said: Rejection is your protection, and it just got me thinking: She is so right. If you are being rejected, it means that THIS WAS NOT FOR YOU. They were doing you a favor! That rejection was sort of a protection for you. For you to understand that this person is not for you. It is unrequited love. We don’t engage in unrequited love. Love has to go both ways. Besides, what are you saying about yourself when you engage with someone who does not want and love you back? How much self-respect does that portray?
Please don’t get me wrong. I understand that you are doing it. I did it. Massively. You know that if you have been listening in from the beginning, as my show unfolds in chronological order. You will also be able to read all about it in my upcoming book. I share freely about my ex who has enabled me to wake up from the nightmare of unrequited love and love addiction.
When I had first met him, we had a first date. We talked and shared our point of views. Only after the first date, he told me: I am not interested in seeing you again, we don’t share the same values. That hurt me so much that subconsciously, I immediately started the repair mode. What do I have to do to make him love me? The truth or reality of not being loved was too hard to comprehend and accept. What? He doesn’t want me? What a familiar feeling my subconscious said, “I’m not going to feel like that again!”
Once the fear of losing love kicks in, a lot is at stake
I asked myself: “What can I do to make him love me now?” It was painful and so degrading. I remember one time he was playing one of his games and at some point, I found myself hanging on his leg begging him not to leave. That low I had sunk. I’d bake cakes for him, I’d wait for him for hours to come home, I’d wait for his calls, I twisted and turned but guess what, it did not make him love me any more. I think it actually did the contrary, even if he kept engaging with me. How could he possibly love and respect me if all that I showed him was how much I hated and disrespected myself?
I went on one date with him and yet, I could not let it go. I went into an almost 2-year long push-pull, on and off relationship but I didn’t get that at that time. Not fully. Nothing worked. At some point, I was so exhausted that I sat at a psychologists chair who was ready to take me off work. I was a wreck. Empty, exhausted and I had lost myself in it so much that I had no more sense about who I am. It only ended because he left for studies abroad. Otherwise, I would never have been able to let him go. I was adamant in making him love me. The pain of not being loved was just too much to bear.
Do we do anything for love? At what cost?
Why do some of us have to make people love us who rejected us? In my experience, the feeling of not being loved, of being rejected, of being left, not wanted is a horrible feeling many of us consciously or unconsciously know of. It’s all too familiar. It’s simply too painful. For some of us, our nervous system goes into freak out mode, into survival mode once love is at stake. Only look at how you feel when you fight with your partner. At some point, there is always that moment where we say: I am sorry, I didn’t mean it. I promise I won’t do it again. I do what you asked me to do. I don’t want to lose you. Fear is taking over. The fear of losing love. Of ending up alone. We have to prove to ourself that we are lovable, that we are worthy.
Fact is, many of us would do almost anything for love. It’s not a problem if it comes from a grounded place. When in a relationship both care enough to make the other person truly happy. However, most of the time that is not the case, it comes from a rather unhealthy motivation. The motivation to do something to get love, to ensure love.
I remember vividly; I did everything I could to make him love me, so I would know I am lovable. But at what cost?You do not have to prove to anyone that you are worth it, if you know it yourself! Click To Tweet
Next time you are being rejected, do this!
Here is my tip for you, next time you are being rejected, no matter by whom, be mindful about how you react. This is not only related to the love department. It is also in business, if someone makes you wrong or gives you bad feedback or has an opinion about you, look at how that makes you feel. It hurts. It’s that simple. But often we don’t understand that we are hurt. We immediately go into repair mode. We repair so we feel worthy and lovable again and we even do everything to prove that we are in fact worthy and lovable. The thing is, you do not have to prove that to anyone if you know it yourself. You’ll only know it yourself once you have worked through the pain you carry around not feeling worthy or lovable.
I say it one more time; rejection is your protection. You do not need to be approved of, loved or respected by someone who does not want you. Do not engage in unrequited love, it only feeds your wounds. Walk away with pride and dignity with your heart wild open. It’s okay not to be liked by everyone. Only you must like you. No one else.
The crazy thing is whether someone actually likes you or not, does often not even have so much to do with you! That is crazy. We mostly get along with each other because we resonate on a certain level. Meaning, we share similar values, or we kind of speak the same language (metaphorically spoken now). Most of it is based on conditioning, the way we have been brought up. Go with where love is reciprocated. You owe that to yourself. If you get rejected, instead of putting up the repair mode, stay with how it feels. Let it break you. You will relax your nervous system and get a clear head again. With a clear head, you won’t be engaging in destructive behavior.
If you need help with it, you can book me as your personal coach, or you can join our Members Area, where we help each other on this journey. You find all information about it on my member’s page www.aleahava.com/membership. I’d love to see you there!
Have a great day,