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Say No To Compromised Sex And Say Yes To Yourself
In this episode, we will be talking about how there is no compromise when it comes to sex. I met a guy again that I got to know about a year ago. He’s from abroad, so I generally don’t see him much. He was here on a business trip and I ended up in bed with him. We had a beautiful, connected, amazing time and it got me thinking. I felt so grateful for having received this gift and I reflected on how the quality of my sexual encounters have changed a lot over time. Earlier in life, there were moments when I would compromise when it came to sex. I would go to bed with the guys for the wrong reasons. I would keep going when actually something didn’t feel right to me anymore. I would allow the guy to go faster than I was ready for. I would disrespect my own pace. I would not communicate what I needed. I would perform in bed instead of relaxing into it and so on.
For about three years, I stopped doing that. At a certain point when I realized it all, I had to stop having sex for a while because I came to understand that if I compromise in bed, it leaves me feeling sad, empty, ashamed, dirty and used. Instead of nourished, happy, content and blissful, where sex triggers creativity like nothing else. I get this feeling of possibilities. I can see my vision clear, I know why I do what I do, and everything starts to flow freely. Sexual energy is life energy, so you bring aliveness to life when you have nourishing sex. Usually, when we work and do life on autopilot, which many of us do, then we are just the participant in our life, but there is not much aliveness in it.Getting out of obsession is all about breaking the state. Click To Tweet
Having sex is a beautiful way to bring more aliveness into your life. That aliveness spills over into many other areas. That’s how much energy gets moved when having great sex and lovemaking. It brings you from your head into your body. Compromising when it comes to sex is a sure way of putting you in a disempowered state. The way you do sex is also a measurement of how much you value and respect yourself, how solid your standards are, how much it either serves you and makes your life more beautiful, or how much it actually does the opposite. As you know, this show is all about empowerment, which is why I want to give you a couple of ways to feel more empowered when it comes to your sex life.
First of all, we have to become fully aware of where we stand when it comes to sex, so ask yourself the following questions. Are you happy with your sex life? Is it empowering you or is it an issue that often causes conflict in your relationship right now or in previous relationships? How much meaning does sex have for you? Are you compromising when it comes to sex? Do you have sex so you can feel a certain way, but deep down you know that this feeling is only temporary and when sex is no longer available, you actually feel miserable, uneasy and unhappy? Are you confusing sex with love? What is it that you get out of it? Are you having sex even if you don’t want to? In what ways are you compromising? Do you feel deeply nourished after sex and lovemaking or do you feel rather empty and used? Do you feel that the person you’re having sex with is in it for himself or herself or is he or she in it because they want to give to you?Compromising sex is a sure way of disempowering your being. Click To Tweet
When was the last time you said yes when you actually wanted to say no? When was the last time you did something you were not comfortable with, but you simply allowed it to happen anyway? Do you voice what you want and need or do you just keep hoping that somehow, he or she will figure it out? How do you feel when you think of sex? Is it opening you up and you have a generally good feeling about it or is it closing you down and you have a twisted feeling about it all? Is what you are doing in bed in alignment with what you want and are ready for? Are you respecting your boundaries when it comes to sex? Once you felt a little bit into this topic, you know pretty well where you stand and should you feel that you are actually compromising when it comes to sex, then I think it is time to think about your standards.
Standards for me are like promises I make to myself. It states what I want very clearly and at the same time, it also indirectly says what I don’t want. I want you to write down your own standards after you defined them. I want to give you my list, maybe you’ll feel inspired by some of them. I will enjoy sex most when a guy has his heart in his penis. This to me means that I can feel when a guy is out there to get and when a guy has a clean intention to honor me and give instead of just getting. For me, sex starts in the heart. I want to feel the guy and his love and respect for me before I let him in. There is nothing wrong with horny animalistic sex but to me, that comes after I have connected on a heart level. If that is what I truly want in a given moment and we both have the same intention, then there’s nothing wrong with that.
I don’t experience it much at all anymore as I just find that raw horny, animalistic sex comes after you have established a heart connection of some sort. Sometimes that heart connection can happen in an instant. There is no timestamp on such things. It is something you either feel or you don’t. I go into my vagina through the heart, not the other way around. It’s a heartfelt horniness and it’s the best one. I will also enjoy sex most when I feel a big, wide open yes inside of me, when all of me says yes to it. My vagina says yes, my heart says yes, my mind says yes. For me, my body and my feelings are my compasses. I never make decisions out of my head, but out of how something makes me feel.
When I meet a new guy, I first have to get a feeling about him. What I do is I get closer to him. I’m perceiving him, I smell him, and I bring my body a little closer to him and that gives me a sensation in my body that I can rely on. That sensation is what either says yes, maybe, or no. Yes means yes, not maybe. If it’s a maybe or a no, I most certainly don’t engage any further and I say thank you, but no. I say that with love and with clarity. If it’s not a yes, then it’s a no, and when in doubt it will be a no, and I honor that. Have I made mistakes? Yes, for sure. Will I be making mistakes in the future? Perhaps, but by setting clear intentions and standards, we have a good chance not to find ourselves in compromised situations anymore that leave us empty after sex.Your body and feelings are your compass. Click To Tweet
Another one of my standards is that I stop immediately should my previous yes change. Sometimes we feel a yes and we open ourselves up, but after some time this yes might change. If it changes, we have to be aware enough to respect that change in us and we have to be courageous enough to voice that. You can simply ask the guy to give you a moment so you can feel what’s going on. You can just say, “I feel my body closing up. I don’t feel that I want to keep doing what we’re doing. I’d like to stop it.” When we say such things, we have to say it without feeling guilty about it. You don’t owe anyone to continue with something you initially thought you liked. You only owe yourself to do the right thing. My other standard is when I get to do it at my pace. If something moves too fast, I asked the guy to slow down.
No guy who wants to truly serve you, honor you, and give you a good time, will not understand that. If the guy you were with gets angry about it, it most probably means that he’s not there with you for the right reasons and you might be better off not engaging with him any further. The last standard I want to share is when the guy is not only chasing the orgasm but enjoys the way to get there. I remember myself being addicted to the orgasm where your only goal was to come. Only if an orgasm happened, you would qualify the experience as successful or good. That means you are starting already with the end in mind and it keeps you from being present, enjoying the thousand and one sweet detours that will present themselves when focusing on the now instead of the goal.Standards are promises you make to yourself. Click To Tweet
If you haven’t given much thought about your standards when it comes to sex, maybe it’s a good time to write them down. Once you’ve defined your own standards, you want to look at are you actually able to stick with them? At what point are you compromising on your standards and why? If you cannot adhere to your standards or you find yourself lowering your standards over and over again, ask yourself, “Why am I doing that? What am I afraid of? What is at risk here for me?” Maybe you’re afraid of being rejected, being perceived as a prude, uncool or annoying, that the guy might have an opinion about you. What are you getting out of a situation where you lowered your standards? If you want to feel empowered when it comes to sex, the risk to be rejected and notice someone else is always a yes to yourself. Be ready to walk away from a situation that is not serving you. Honor yourself before anything else. There is nothing worse than a lousy sex. Please don’t compromise on that one ever. That’s it for this episode. Thank you. I wish you a wonderful day and I’ll see you in the next episode.