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Step Out Of Obsession And Into Empowerment
In this episode, we will be talking about what to do when obsession kicks in. Maybe you are familiar with the following situation: You are waiting next to your phone hoping for a call, a message, or a sign from the person you’re pursuing at the moment. Maybe you are in a relationship already and you find yourself waiting. In any case, you feel agitated, your mind is going in circles repeating itself, “Why does he not call? Is he maybe with someone else? Does he still like me? When am I finally going to see him next?” You try to focus on something, but it’s hard because all you can think of is him. You start distracting yourself in not such a great way. You start coping with the situation as the way you feel right now is torture. You go for ice cream and maybe an hour later for some chocolate and today, Netflix is your best friend.
Maybe you start looking for other options by checking your dating app and see what’s out there. When we’re entering into the state of obsession, meaning when all we can focus on is the person that we hope to get something from so we can feel better again, feel at ease again, then we’re no longer in an empowered state. We become dependent on something outside of our self to find balance. This is not a state from which we create a life we love and feel great most of the time. It’s actually the complete opposite. For those of you who have been following this blog from the beginning, you know what I mean when I say that I’m a feeling advocate. Naturally, in this situation, I would tell you to go feel your feelings about all of this, but now I want to give you three ways that help you step out of the feeling to give you a break for a change.
This situation is all about breaking the state that you are in. Getting out of the feeling of agitation and hopelessness. I’ll give you three strategies to do that immediately.
Strategy number one is called redirection. Redirect your thoughts, take your mind off what it is hooked on. For me personally, that can be playing the piano. When I play the piano, my mind has no other option but to focus on the notes, my hands, my feet. When I do that for a long enough time, being hooked on something that drags me down finds release. For you, this can be to bake a cake. Maybe you are a painter, perhaps you go for a run and get your heartbeat up. Whatever it is that works for you, do it.When we’re entering a state of obsession, we’re no longer in an empowered state. Click To Tweet
In the beginning, it might be hard because the thoughts may jump back in over and over again. This is when you have to apply more awareness. Focus on every single note that you’re playing. Take the butter out of the fridge with full awareness. Focus on the color you’re using to paint, engage in the painting, become that painter. It is like entering a state of meditation. Meditating means to do whatever you’re doing with awareness. Walking in nature is very powerful too. Whenever I feel that my mind starts looping, repeating thoughts, I take my dog for a walk. Nature does something amazing to us. At some point, usually, for me, the mind clears up about after 30 minutes. Often, I can also go into the feelings that I’m experiencing. When I’m sad, I take the sadness to the fields. I give space to these feelings and I fully allow my tears. I cry on the fields. I also start talking to the person that is taking up too much space in my head. This leads me to strategy number two, consciously acting it out.
Consciously acting out
Let’s assume I’m walking in nature and I have this longing to reach out to the person that I have been waiting for. I take out my phone, I open up a voice message. I click record and I start talking, “Hi, I don’t know what to do. I have been waiting for you for two days to receive a text, a call, any sign that shows me that you’re thinking of me, that you care. I don’t really understand. We had such a wonderful time on Wednesday. We went out for dinner and then you kissed me. I loved looking into your eyes. I liked the way you touched me, the way you asked me questions and listened to my answers. I want to know when we’re going to see each other again, but you just don’t seem to make any effort that would actually make it happen. I wish so much that I’d hear more from you and that you would be eager to get in contact with me too, that you can’t wait to spend more time together. You said that you liked me and you kissed me. Are you not feeling like that anymore? Why do I have to wait for you all the time? Why don’t you want the same that I do?”
What is important here is that you don’t filter out anything you want to say. We filter all the time, but here it’s crucial that you allow yourself to say exactly what you want to say and say it exactly how you want to say it. If you have tears or you feel your voice shivering, then that’s fine. It’s precisely what you want to happen. Give yourself full permission to do as you feel, and this is not so much about saying this directly to the person involved, it is about getting it out of your system.
You can also write a letter instead and in that letter say everything there is to say, don’t hold back. Engage fully in your obsessive and hopeless thoughts. Cry if you need to cry while writing these lines. Be hopeless, be afraid and let it all out. Once you have recorded the voice message or written your letter, you just leave it. Don’t send it. If you want to go deeper, expose what you have written or recorded to a friend you fully trust. Ask him or her if they would allow you to read or play something to them that you are processing. It’s only for the sake of exposure because as you know from my previous episode, number seventeen, exposure is key. I highly suggest for you to go read that episode so you know what I’m talking about. In short, the moment we expose something, it loses its intensity. As I said, this is about getting it out of your system so your system can start to relax again. Ask your friend to just be there and listen, and in the end to say nothing but, “I hear you. Thank you for sharing this with me.” It is not their job to fix you. It is just their job to give you space so you can experience yourself in it.
Go focus on someone else! Be of service.
My last strategy, number three, is to go focus on someone else than yourself. This is a powerful one. If I am too occupied with something, I just shift the focus. Instead of making it about me, I make it about someone else. I think about who in my life right now could use some support. Maybe it is a friend of yours that you know is very busy with his newborn, the house is a mess, the fridge is empty. How can you support her? Maybe your sister or brother moved house and all of their stuff is still in boxes, ask them if you can help unpack. Maybe your friend is preparing for an exam, ask her if you can support her by asking her questions about the topic. What I found valuable when doing this is to not just do it, but to actually be there fully present. Your mind might wander off but with awareness, you can return again and again to what you wanted to do, which is to focus on someone else than yourself.
Obsession happens especially when we wait for too long to break the state. The most important thing for me was to catch myself early. The longer I waited, unaware of what was going on, the harder it was for me to get out of it again. There is a window, you can still turn things around. That is the window I had to use so I wouldn’t let it progress into a full-blown obsession where I just had to shut myself down by binge-eating or watching one TV series after another to just not feel like that anymore.
In my experience, when we enter the state of obsession, it means that we don’t feel loved and we are afraid of losing something. Sometimes that is something we don’t even have yet. If you do feel unloved and disconnected, think of ways that make you feel connected and loved again. A good long, sweet, heartfelt hug is always a lifesaver. If you know someone you trust fully, you can ask them to lay in their lap for a few minutes while they place their hand over your head. I know that this is a very vulnerable thing to do. Today as adults, we might think that we are too old for that, but I guarantee you, if you ask for what you need, you actually have a good chance to get it. If you are in a state of obsession, then you need to feel loved, so go get that love from someone that is more than willing to give it to you.If you ask for what you need, you actually have a good chance to get it! Click To Tweet
The practice of asking
Practice asking for what you need. Once you feel loved again, you will also remember who you are, that you are worthy of a guy that gives you exactly what you need. If we don’t feel loved, we feel worthless and we subject ourselves to self-abandonment. Self-abandonment means that we’re losing touch with the love, respect and appreciation we have for our self, and then we need someone else outside to make us feel like that again. Only that, and I’ve said this many times before, no one will ever be able to fill this hole, this void inside of yourself but you. We get what we tolerate and it all starts with you. Make yourself a priority instead of focusing on the guy and losing touch with yourself.
These are ways to cope with the stress, with the obsession, with the hopelessness, and will help you to feel better. As you know by now, I always suggest to go feel instead of making yourself feel better. Feeling the feelings behind your hopelessness and your obsession will relax your nervous system big time. You can only heal what you can feel. Check episode seventeen for that. While it might be comfortable to resort to things that change the way you feel, the feelings will eventually come back over and over again until you are ready to feel what makes you feel lonely in the first place. What makes you attract guys that don’t give you what you want and long for.
If you’re only just joining this show, I suggest you start at the beginning and you might realize that there is something much deeper at play here. There is a way out though. You’ll figure this out as you go along the show as one episode builds upon another. In any case, if you need help or support, please reach out. I’d be happy to walk you through it all in a more personal way. You can also join my membership program where we will deal with the issues at hand. Check out AleahAva.com/Membership, and you will find more information. Thank you. Enjoy your day and I’ll talk to you in the next episode.