Surviving loneliness at Christmas is not such an easy thing. It’s the time of the year where we resume the last months and think about our life in terms of relationships, love and family. As we are sitting at the Christmas dinner table we might feel moments of emptiness, sadness and loneliness. We might even feel that we are not at the point in life where we would want to be. How can we survive loneliness in the midst of Christmas romance? Where we potentially have all those romantic expectations such as wanting to stroll around the Christmas market with a person we love? If you´ve ever experienced something similar and feel helpless about it, I´m going to present you 3 important keys to survive this year’s Christmas.
Listen to the podcast here:
Surviving Loneliness at Christmas
Welcome back to Addicted To Love. It’s me, Aleah Ava. And I’m really excited to tune back in with you guys. I know it’s been a while since I released my last episode, but in all honesty, I’ve been super busy with the coachings and with the retreats I was giving. I partnered up for my new brand that I will release very soon. The beginning of next year I partnered up with two people who helped me support me in the business, make it grow so I can finally release the online programs, finish writing the book, create the memberships like you know how it is, you’re a one girl show. And I had kind of reached a plateau simply because of the fact that I only have my resources, you know, the day ends at some point and I was running into an exhaustion that I didn’t really know how to get out of, but now comes help and I am more committed than ever to providing you with lots of new stuff. And I’m really excited to be releasing them piece by piece very, very soon.
So with Christmas and new year’s approaching, I was tuning into myself and I said, Aleah, it’s this time of the year again. You know, I personally, every time I sit on the table with my parents at Christmas, kind of always ask myself where am I at? And I mean in the heart matters, I talk about relationship, love, family, children, like all the good stuff of life. Like where are you at? And for the past Christmases and this year too, I will be sitting there alone and I know that there will be that moment of emptiness and sadness, not being where I want to be. You know, when we overcome love addiction and we set all these standards and we know very clearly what we’d want and what we don’t want anymore, it leaves us alone for a while because we’re no longer willing to compromise and we’re really willing to wait.Being alone is better than compromising on our standards only to be in a relationship. Click To Tweet
So this year I’m going to sit at that table, have a wonderful dinner with my mom and my dad. And I know that there will be moments when I will be feeling alone. And then I look around and I can see how so many people before Christmas are getting really activated in the sense that Christmas stirs up a lot. There’s a lot of expectations, it should be this romantic, wonderful time, you know, with the lights in the industries and Christmas markets and candles and cookies and gifts. And like it’s the time where we reflect, where are we at in life? Are we happy? Are we fulfilled? And oftentimes, and for many people that’s not the case.
“Where am I at? What is my current situation? Am I happy and fulfilled?”
A lot of people are alone at Christmas or feel lonely even if they are in relationships or with families. So I was thinking, I think I should be talking about how to survive Christmas.
How can we survive the lonely feeling of Christmas, the unhappy, unfulfilled, unsatisfied feeling of Christmas? And you know, there are a lot of articles and blogs and podcasts, episodes and videos of how to deal with loneliness. And in all honesty, anything that tries to make you bypass that feeling, I don’t think it will work. I think we have to deal with that feeling. And I think we have to allow it.
Learn about a new approach
So I ask myself what could be a tool that will not only help us feel that feeling more, but also kind of break the state because what? What is the worst thing about it? The worst thing about it is you’re getting into some sort of mindfuck about being lonely and isolated and you know, feeling bad about it and then dwell in these thoughts that feed then the feelings of loneliness and then that feeling gets stronger so the mind gets stronger.
“Oh my God, I’m the poorest girl on earth or I’m the most lonely guy on earth.”
And then when you have more of these thoughts, you feed more of the feelings and then you, you start feeling worse and worse and worse and a downward spiral really starts happening. What’s the most important thing in this time is breaking the state. Break the state, and you’ve got to catch it before the downward spiral will hit you.
So don’t think that I’m going to tell you how to avoid feeling lonely. I’m not going to do that because I’m not that kind of person. I’m a feeling advocate. I’m always pro feeling whatever it is that you’re feeling, but what I’m not for is suffering. You know, like when you entered that cycle of thought, feeling thought, feeling getting worse and worse and worse, then you start suffering. But when you can interrupt and become very conscious of when that cycle actually starts to happen, that’s when you get the best chances of not getting in too deep.
The Consciousness Challenge and the 3 Keys
This Christmas time will be different!
I want you to walk through these days with the most heightened state of awareness that you could possibly have. So what I want to motivate you for this Christmas is the following. I want you to make this your consciousness challenge. I want you to walk through these day at Christmas with the most heightened state of awareness that you could possibly have every day when you wake up, you tune into your heart immediately and you feel, what is my emotional state today? Am I feeling uplifted, happy, excited, or am I already feeling a sensation of heaviness, loneliness, slight depression, whatever it is. You know, you wake up, the first thing you do is you do not take your phone. You do not check your Facebook. You don’t check your Instagram. You don’t try to regulate how you feel immediately. No, you start tuning in and that’s when my tool that I want to give you for this Christmas starts to come in play. The first time when you open your eyes and you checked in with yourself, you start using your breath very consciously to facilitate and support your felt
experience. You start relaxing right away.
First Key: Breathe
You know, I’m reading this book. Well, actually I´ve already finished it. It’s called Just Breathe: Mastering Breathwork by Dan Brulé. He’s the world’s foremost expert and renowned pioneer in the field of breathwork and leader of the worldwide spiritual breathing movement. He served in the United States Navy during the Vietnam era and received his master’s degree in Cambridge. So I was always drawn to breathing. Like I find breathing to be something that really helps you regulate certain emotional states. And when you get into an emotional state too deep and you can’t get out of it and it’s only suffering, then I certainly am pro tool, leveraging tools that help us actually feeling better.
So the first thing we do is we start leveraging that incredible tool of breathing. You open your eyes, you tune in and you start breathing in therapeutic zone, and that means you breathe in for 5 seconds. You breathe out for 5 seconds, you breathe in for 5 seconds, you breathe out for 5 seconds, and you keep doing that. Depending on how much time you have, at least 5 or 10 minutes. And as you’re doing that, you just start stretching your arms, your legs. You can moan a little bit, you can use your voice, you know, but keep the breathing pattern going. It’s very important that you keep it consistent and then you do that. You know, you wake up, you open your eyes, you start breathing, and you tune into your heart, into the middle of your chest and you are with whatever is happening for you right now. Then you go on with your day.
Second Key: Stay Aware
Don't let unawareness take place. Click To Tweet
As you go on with our day, certain things can happen. Maybe there will be Christmas carols singing. Maybe there will be a very romantic streetlight. Maybe there will be a family dinner with your sister or your brother showing up with their gorgeous, huge family or partners that they seem so happy with. And you get simply reminded that you’re lonely or you’re not in a happy relationship. Whatever comes to you in any given moment, all you have to do is take your most heightened state of awareness and be present in your felt experience. No matter what it is.
Whatever it is that you’re doing, understand when you’re getting activated, when you’re getting that sensation of “ouch” in the middle of your chest, you know, and as you’re going along these days, as you’re waking up, as you’re having dinner, as you’re doing sports, as you’re going for Christmas shopping, you keep breathing consciously. You observe your breath and whenever there’s this twist in your heart and you can see how your emotional state is getting influenced, then you start breathing consciously. You start breathing in 5 seconds, you start breathing out 5 seconds. You start breathing in 5 seconds, you start breathing out 5 seconds.
The most important thing is that you catch it early.
Whenever something does that feeling of “ouch”, that’s when you close your eyes, you stop whatever it is that you’re doing and you start breathing consciously. Now when your emotional state gets more active, like you get really sad or you feel really lonely or you feel really hopeless or desperate or like, “what the fuck am I doing here? It’s Christmas number 35 and I’m still single and I’m still alone and I’m still not a mother” or whatever it is. That is not happening for you right now. When these emotional states get more intense, you breathe with that intensity of the feeling and you can leverage the throat. You can make the sound, you can say “Ooh” and you can shake your body and you can start expressing what it is. “I feel so sad that I´m still alone at Christmas. Why am I alyways on my own?Why is nobody there? It makes me feel so sad.”
And you allow the body shaking and the tears coming up. You can also imagine for someone to sit next to you and you are pretending to tell them how it is for you on Christmas. You know? And that’s when you have a feeling that’s really coming up and really bubbling up. You know, not when you’re just depressed and you can barely move anymore and you can even, you know, open your fridge and take out your chocolate cake or whatever it is you are rewarding yourself with at Christmas. No, it’s when you really activate and when you feel really sad, sit on your bed, take a pillow, cuddle it, take a big elephant. You know, I just bought this big elephant at Ikea, which is my representation of my inner lonely, sad, abandoned child. I cuddle with her and I take her and I cuddle her and I and I stay with what I’m feeling. And as you’re doing that, you breathe in and you breathe out and you breathe in and you breathe out and you breathe with the feeling, whatever it is that’s going to happen for you. Okay?
Third Key: Nurture yourself
Let’s say you’re going to the bathroom and you wash your hands. How aware are you when you look in the mirror? How much compassion can you have for your heart, for how you feel during these lonely Christmas times? How much present can you become with how it is that you’re feeling? How much compassion can you have for yourself? Because this is also a time of self- nurturing. You know, when we feel desperate and lonely and isolated, and we don’t give space to these feelings, we start to suffer. And as we’re starting to suffer, we start to self-destruct. So we start to turn it against us, which is so, so destructive. You know that only comes when you don’t give any space to how you’re feeling.
So as you’re looking into that mirror, look at yourself. Give yourself a smile and breathe in. Close your eyes and say to yourself, I’ve got you. I got you. Even at Christmas, I’m going to take you out for a romantic walk with the streetlights at night. I’m going to buy yourself a gift. I’m going to cook you dinner. I’m going to cuddle with my elephant. Like buy yourself a teddy bear. I do that when I feel lonely. I take my teddy bear. It’s my elephant. And I spend time on my own with that teddy bear in bed. Does it make me feel better? Yeah, hell it does! The only thing you have to become is be mindful when you’re starting downward spiraling. When you’re spiraling down into that hopeless loneliness, depression, desperation. You got to catch it earlier.Breath, Awareness and Self-Nurturing are key to deal with loneliness. Click To Tweet
So this Christmas, make it your awareness game. Don’t make any move, any step. Don’t cook, bake cookies or wrap a gift or write a Christmas card or go shopping or do sports or walk in nature. Don’t do anything without awareness. Just don’t and breathe. Buy the book from Dan Brulé. You can also download it on Kindle: Just Breathe: Mastering Breathwork
He has so many amazing breath exercises in there because I’m telling you that your breath, your breath is a real portal. It changes everything. You know?
Break the state over and over and over and over again. And you know what? If you feel really bad, send me an E-Mail. Tell me how you’re feeling. Just send me an E-Mail. Share with me what’s going on. I will be a glad and an open recipient to receive your words. I feel you. You know, I, I’m going to be feeling like that as well, but I’m not scared about it because I have my tools, I have my tool of breath, of awareness, of self-nurturing and self-care. These three tools, breath, self-nurturing and awareness. You do that. I cannot promise you that it will be the smoothest ride ever, but what I can promise you is you won’t suffer through Christmas. It’s the time to step up for yourself this Christmas. You can do it differently.
If you have any questions, you can reach out to me all the time. firstname.lastname@example.org and of course next year will be so much more coming from me. I have partnered up, we are rebranding everything where we have, we have created three signature retreats for 2020, and we’re writing the book. We’re doing online programs, so much is going to come and I’m really excited about it. So stay tuned. I promise I’ll be delivering more continuously as we go along. But I really wanted to tune in with you and tell you I got you a Christmas, and most of all, you got yourself. I wish you a very, very happy time. I wish you lots of cookies and cakes and chocolate and candies and candles and Christmas carols.
Make this Christmas the best Christmas ever.
Have a wonderful day.
Bye, Aleah Ava.