The Different Types Of Love Addicts: Can A Parent Love Too Much?

can a parent love too much his her child

Love comes in many forms and so does love addiction. Jim Hall, psychologist and love addiction expert, defined the nine different types of love addicts. In part two of this topic, we’ll discuss types three to nine. All of them share the same unhealthy patterns such as dependency, loss of reason, an inability to self-control and obsessive longing that must be satisfied. No matter the type – all lack the ability to maintain long-term, healthy, compassionate and intimate relationships. They also all share the same terrible consequences – a life with a continuous painful pattern of self-sabotage, shame, absence of real love, intimacy and crazy-making relationships. Living a life romantically unfulfilled isn’t living; it’s getting by. There is a whole other version of your love life available to you anytime! You simply have to make the choice of wanting to truly see where you stand when it comes to love.

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The Different Types Of Love Addicts: Can A Parent Love Too Much?

I’m excited that you’re reading episode seven called “Can A Parent Love Too Much?” This is episode part two of the different types of love addicts. In case you’ve missed part number one, it’s in episode five. We’ve talked about the typical love addict as well as the avoidant love addict and how they find each other no matter the odds. In this episode, we will go through the remaining seven love addiction types. Ending with the parental love addict, where we will explore if and how a parent can love too much. I want to remind all of you that no matter how hard it seems to hear certain things, don’t judge yourself or others. There is no benefit coming from that. Instead, simply keep your focus on what we can learn from the insights that we’re gaining every time we come together here.

Most importantly, I’m not here to judge you. I’m here to help shed light on a topic that is difficult to digest, but necessary to look at. I’ll share why it is vital to address love addiction. I promise if we do, we can start changing and healing the world one human at a time. I know it’s ambitious, but I have not given up on love. Love comes in many forms and so does love addiction. All we have to know by now is that living a life romantically unfulfilled isn’t living. It’s getting by. There is a whole other version of your love life available to you at any time. You simply have to make the choice of wanting to truly see where you stand when it comes to love. That’s what we’re figuring out here together.

Jim Hall, a psychologist and love addiction expert, defined the nine different types of love addicts. I’m happy to share his work with you here. Let’s start with love addiction type number three:

Romantic Love Addict

The romantic love addict jumps from one infatuated short-term relationship to the next one. They tend to last somewhere between one to three months, maybe a little longer. In pursuit of the constant fantasy created in their minds, they are hoping that one day they will meet the right one. They hop from one relationship to another, ensuring that their romantic supply flows constantly. They believe that they are very much in love and they fall very quickly but they rarely, truly fall in love. The initial stages of passion and euphoria are normal for almost every relationship. Healthy relationships evolve over time into compassionate relationships that are built on trust and real intimacy. The romantic love addict keeps chasing that initial chemical rush and wants under no circumstances this phase to end. At some point in the relationship, they become anxious and bored. They move quickly to their next target. Romantic love addicts can let go very quickly of their romantic partner in the search for another one to get their next shot. Unlike the typical love addict for whom it is almost impossible to leave, no matter what.

Living a life romantically unfulfilled isn't living; it's getting by. Click To Tweet

Anorexic Love Addict

The next type is the anorexic love addict. They used to be typical love addicts, but because of the severe pain they experienced in previous relationships, they tend to drift in the opposite direction. They become compulsively anorexic to love and intimacy. For them, it becomes either all love or nothing. The feelings of betrayal, abandonment and rejection, again and again, is simply too much to deal with. They say, “No more relationships for me.” Their life is ruled by an obsessive state in which the physical, mental and emotional task of avoiding romantic relationships dominate. They compulsively avoid intimacy by depriving themselves of romantic relationships like the anorexic does with food. They feel a sense of control, which makes them feel powerful and protected against all pain. As with other addictions and compulsions, the consequences are severe. Intimacy and relationships become an enemy to be continually kept at bay. It’s understandable to feel this way, but the compulsive state of avoiding romantic relationships is, in a way, self-abandonment. One will be living in constant fear and misses other even more suitable genuine possibilities of love and intimacy.

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Non-Romantic Love Addict

Let’s talk about the non-romantic love addicts who become painfully addicted to anyone. A friend, a neighbor, a priest, a teacher, a boss, a coworker or a celebrity. He or she can obsess about a person that has absolutely nothing to do with love or romance. They can be in a committed relationship and still become emotionally attached. They become codependent and addicted to someone without having any sexual or romantic intentions. The object of desire can either be the same or opposite sex. The non-romantic love addict can become deeply addicted to the presence of the other person because they trigger some fantasy which brings them to feel the rush, the high or euphoria. Their obsession will ultimately push the other person away as they start to feel overwhelmed by the controlling and smothering behavior, expectations, and demands of the non-romantic love addict.

Types Of Love Addicts: The compulsive state of avoiding romantic relationships is in a way self-abandonment.

Abusive Love Addict

Our next type is the abusive love addict. You can find some levels of abusive behavior in all addictive relationships. Either verbal or emotional abuse like power games, manipulation, passive aggressiveness, sarcasm, name-calling. There are addictive relationships where physical and extreme psychological abuse are employed as well. Typical love addicts can fall victim to the abusive love addict. In their search for love, they’re often willing to tolerate spiteful acts against them. Most don’t, but many do. The most typical partner for an abusive love addict is the battered love addict. The abusive love addict exhibits the same elements of the avoidant love addict. It’s the strong desire for control and power that fries the abusive love addict and his many ways of abusive behavior. For example, diminishing their partner, bullying, manipulating or instilling fear. This meets their selfish needs very well. This way, they emotionally and physically imprison their partner. Physical assault, stalking as well as sexual abuse are all characteristics of the abusive love addict’s physical violence.

Abusive love addicts are often alcoholics or drug addicts. When drunk or high, anything can trigger them to hurt their partner. They’re often obsessed and occupied with their partners’ doing such as who they’re with or where there are. They strongly fear equal footing in the relationship as this would trigger loss of control over their partner. Usually, after carrying out abuse, they display a new affection. They apologize and make promises as they feel remorse and sadness. The victim partner, being in complete denial, often falls for these deceived words and promises that will ultimately be broken time and again. We often read in the media and news were abusive love addicts commit murderous acts on their wife, partner, children, and girlfriends.

Battered Love Addict

The battered love addicts routinely tolerate and continue with abusive love addicts. Battered love addicts have the same traits as a typical love addict, but with the addition of tolerating strong physical and psychological abuse from their partners as their denial mechanisms are very extreme. It is very sad to see that the more abusive a partner, the more likely the victims report strong feelings of attachment. You might have heard about the term Trauma Bonding, which occurs as a result of an ongoing cycle of abuse. This consists of intermittent enforcement of reward and punishment. Who would endure abuse and why would they not leave? Many battered love addicts have experienced abuse in their own childhood. They subconsciously think and know that this is part of a relationship. It also feels like home, even if that home was violent. Victims of abuse often connect the abuse to their self-worth. They tolerate the abuse because they subconsciously think that they are not worth more.

Sex And Love Addict

There is a distinction between the pure love addict and the pure sex addict. The sex addict shows a continuous escalating pattern of sexual behavior acted out despite negative consequences. It includes the same compulsive and obsessive traits as love addiction. They use their sexual fantasies to escape emotional pain. Living them out creates the high that gives them comfort. Sex and love addicts show the patterns of the typical love addict but are also highly preoccupied with sex and sexual fantasies with only one particular person. That’s usually his or her romantic partner. They are much more in love with the sexual acts performed with their partner than being in love with the partner. A sex addict would often cheat, lie and have sex with many different women. The sex and love addict rarely seeks sex outside of a romantic relationship. Sex with another isn’t magical enough and won’t provide the high. His obsession does not include much romance fantasy. The sex and love addict feels a strong physical attraction and passion for the romantic partner. They often believe that sex with their partner is the best sex ever.

The sexual obsession results in a significant driving force for staying in a relationship to a point where they tolerate misery. Their primary obsession and preoccupation is sex with the one person including romantic fantasies. If the sex and love addict feels rejected. Even if that is only a perceived rejection, it triggers very painful emotions of abandonment and isolation as well as deep shame and despair. The sex and love addict might become very angry, even enraged, potentially walking away resentful and depressed. The sex and love addict and the sex addict chase sex when all he actually chases is love. His needs for love become sexualized at some point. He’s trying to get his needs for being loved and fulfilled through sex. In the end, this doesn’t work as it fails to address the real need behind the sexual compulsion.

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Parental Love Addict

Last but not least, the parental love addict is unlike any other love addict-type. It is unrelated to romantic love. They play similar behaviors as other love addicts do in romantic relationships. From my own observations, I saw parents who used a child to fulfill unmet emotional needs and secure a constant supply of love, connection, attention and adoration. They use the child to sculpt them into the image of unrealistic expectations that they have toward themselves. In the first example where they use the child to fulfill impaired emotional needs, the parental love addict needs their children to like them at all costs. Often not providing healthy parenting as they want to ensure the constant supply of love and attention. They tend to turn their little children into their substitute wives, that’s usually a father-daughter dynamic or the substitute husband, which is usually a mother-son dynamic.

Types Of Love Addicts: As a result of the parents not living in a compassionate and healthy relationship themselves, they often expect their children to fulfill their needs.

As a result of the parents not living in a compassionate and healthy relationship themselves, they often expect their children to fulfill their needs. They do this instead of turning towards their adult partner and resolve the conflict on that level. It goes without saying that the parental love addict feels isolated and lacks connection in the intimate relationship with their partner. It is often the case that adults can give and receive intimacy so much better from or to their children than their intimate partner. They violate the boundaries of their children frequently by wanting too much from them. They even smother and suffocate to a level where the child might turn easily into an avoidant love addict later on in life. That’s the parental love addict who loves too much. It leaves the children feeling responsible for them. Children always have an innate longing to make mommy and daddy happy, often to take away their pain. This all happens on a subconscious level and is therefore even more difficult to spot.

In the latter case, the parental love addict sees the child as a mirror. Sculpting him or her into their unrealistic expectations they have towards themselves. They overwhelm their children and tend to expect too much of them. It leaves a child feeling invalid and never good enough. They want their children to adopt hobbies and hang out with friends they don’t like. These parents may even choose professions that their children are not interested in learning. Obsessed with turning their children into little miss perfect, they judge and criticize as they cannot live up to their unrealistic expectations. It leaves the spirit of the child no chance to develop. It leaves the child feeling invalid and disrespected. It creates a great split within the child as they always want to be good children. They fear losing love and acceptance and turn themselves into something they’re not.

Every human being wants to be loved for who one is and wants to have a choice in life. This kind of parental love addict fails to see that parenting is all about supporting your child in becoming who they are at their core. In both cases, children pay a high price as they grow up in a reverse role. They don’t get to be children and they’re put into an adult role. They’re asked, on one hand, to fulfill the needs of an adult, which is a twisted dynamic. On the other hand, they often don’t get to be worry-free and playful kids, which is very important when growing up. Instead, they’re confronted with expectations and acts against their true nature. As adults, it leaves them starved and lost as they haven’t received what they needed in order to thrive in life. They haven’t had a chance to develop and see what they want to do in life. They might, however, also grow up feeling entitled as they were put on a pedestal for most of their childhood.

Every human being wants to be loved for who one is and wants to have a choice in life. Click To Tweet

These were the nine types of love addicts. It’s very common to have a combination or overlap in more than one love addict type. Love addiction is not all black and white. Sometimes we even change from one type to another for a period of time. However, mostly we do have one primary love addict type over all the others. That one will usually prevail in most addictive relationships. All nine love addict types share the same unhealthy pattern such as dependency, loss of reason, inability to self-control and obsessive longing that must be satisfied. No matter the type, all lack the ability to maintain long-term healthy, compassionate, and intimate relationships. They also all share the same terrible consequences. A life with continuous painful patterns of self-sabotage, shame, the absence of real love and intimacy, and crazy-making relationships.

Another interesting aspect is that each type is attracted to another because they meet familiar though painful feelings. A typical love addict meets an avoidant love addict. He is mostly recreating the early absence of love in his or her childhood which will allow them to heal these aspects. On top of that, the dysfunction in one type attracts and connects to the dysfunction in another. It has been said many times that we choose incompatible partners because this creates the highest potential for mutual healing and growth of our childhood wounds.

Thank you so much for joining us. I’ll see you in the next episode. Subscribe to the show and get your free copy of Aleah Ava’s Love Addiction Mirror.

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