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The Different Types Of Love Addicts: When The Typical Love Addict Meets Mr. Emotionally Unavailable

This is episode number five called, Why Don’t You Want Me? The Perfect Love Match Made in Hell. I’ll be explaining the destructive bond between the typical love addict and the avoidant love addict. I’m so glad that we’re having these conversations and that I can create more understanding of this important subject. I will also give you the seven most common signs that you are in fact, dealing with an avoidant love addict.

According to Jim Hall, a psychologist, and love addiction expert, there are nine different types of love addicts. In this episode, we will talk about the two most common types, the typical love addict and the avoidant love addict. In a further episode, I’ll elaborate on the other seven types in detail as well.

The Typical Love Addict

Let me start by describing the characteristic traits of the typical love addict. For reasons of simplicity, I will call this one simply, love addict. He is the prototype of all types as it is the most recognized love addiction type there is. The love addict has an inner sense of emptiness and inadequacy. They are very much obsessed in life with finding, keeping, and constantly feeling loved. They think that someone else will make their life meaningful. They experience euphoric and magical feelings that make them think that they found their soulmate. Their identity is very much dependent on forming a relationship with a partner. They tend to see themselves as less than their partner, as they idolize them above and beyond. They are very much attracted and drawn to the emotionally unavailable avoidant love addict, who is unable to reciprocate. They live in a world of fantasies and they feel especially alive when that fantasy gets triggered. All of a sudden, life gets meaningful. Oftentimes, they are in huge denial about who their partner is as they have been making them up in their mind so much.

They also have impaired boundaries and constantly long to merge with their partner, which is why they tend to become clingy and smother their partners. Exactly that is especially difficult for the avoidant love addict. The love addict tends to focus so much on their partner that they lose themselves to a great deal in the relationship. Their values and beliefs can change frequently in order to fit the ones that their partner has. Even though they are full of needs and longings, they fail to see their own wants and needs and compromise quickly in order not to lose love. Even if that’s a bite-sized piece of love, they crave love and attention at all times. They’re primarily occupied with making sure that they won’t be rejected or abandoned, which is the core of their fears.

The love addict wants to be taken care of and treasured by another. Click To Tweet

They often think that if they just love their partner hard enough, this will enable their partner to change. “How can I love him more or how can I love him better?” These were the questions I used to ask myself. With their actions, they often control and manipulate to trying to get their partners to change or meet their unrealistic needs and expectations. The love addict wants to be taken care of and treasured by another. For most of the time, they are in a position of longing but repeatedly face enormous disappointment since no one can satisfy their insatiable desires. They are on the hunt for euphoria, fantasizing and daydreaming about their perfect partner and relationship, wanting instant closeness and a profound connection.

This euphoria is the love addict’s drug of choice. It’s very much the reason why when a relationship ends, they will experience severe withdrawal symptoms as if they were coming off a drug. That includes extreme emotional, sometimes even physical pain, hopelessness, confusion, obsessive thinking, a feeling of dying. That is what makes it so hard for them to let go of their partner as these feelings feel simply unbearable. A typical love addict can remain dependent on a partner for years and years as the idea of leaving seems impossible for them.

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If you want more on getting the best out of your life and relationships, check out our new brand The Royal Path where you find everything about personal growth, deep healing and emotional liberation.

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The Avoidant Love Addict

Let’s look at the avoidant love addict. This type usually goes hand-in-hand with the love addict. For some reasons, they truly find each other, no matter the odds. The avoidant partner is indeed avoiding love and intimacy in many ways, but deep down they crave it and want nothing else but love. They are dependent on the neediness of their partner. It gives them power as the typical love addict looks up to them, even worships them. That provides the avoidant with a certain narcissistic supply. The avoidant often displays narcissistic traits. They want to be wanted, needed and worshiped. That’s their drug. They glorify power and adulation.

The typical love addict is focused on satisfying and pleasing the avoidant. It is a match made in hell. They maintain a false connection and they both avoid at all costs to be rejected or abandoned. In this way, the avoidant feels very special as it gives them a sense of being in control. Control feeds their grandiosity and enforces the sense of entitlement, the avoidant love addict thrives on. It also greatly provides them with a source of self-worth and meaning. The relationship between a love addict and an avoidant love addict is based on a push-pull mechanism. Normally, the love addict runs after the avoidant, who on the other hand, keeps running and is not giving in.

Different Types Of Love Addicts: The typical love addict is hardly ever the one leaving the avoidant.

Once the love addict gets tired of it and starts to withdraw and turn away, the avoidant turns around and tries to lure the love addict back in. All of a sudden, he is in the position of a typical love addict, meaning that the avoidant can often switch roles in love addicted relationships. His narcissistic supply is under threat, which freaks him out. He very much experiences the same emotional withdrawal symptoms, panic, fear of abandonment, rejection as well as intense emotional pain. This trigger causes him to switch roles and they become the ones that chase and obsess in order to secure attention and regain control which is what he strongly depends on.

If he does not manage to lure the love addict back in, which usually love addicts have a very hard time resisting to, he might quickly move on to a new partner who will fuel their narcissistic supply. They might, however compulsively try to charm, manipulate and hoover the ex back in and mostly succeed. The love addict is hardly ever the one leaving the avoidant. My very own experience was the strong bond between a love addict, me, and an avoidant love addict, my ex-partner. The relationship with my very last partner was the one that helped me to wake up from this nightmare and that ignited my deep longing to share my journey with you all.

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If you want more on getting the best out of your life and relationships, check out our new brand The Royal Path where you find everything about personal growth, deep healing and emotional liberation.

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Their Common Relationship Cycle And Its Stages

I want to talk about their common relationship cycle and its stages a little more in detail. The first stage is the attraction stage. In this phase, the love addict is delighted by the seemingly strong and charismatic partner and thinks, “I’ve never felt like this before.” The avoidant, on the other hand, is attracted to the love addict’s neediness and vulnerability. In the second stage, the avoidant enters the phase of pursuit where he presents himself as the perfect partner. He makes complements, adores and seduces, applying his or hers well-honed strategies. The typical love addict enters the phase of denial and idolization. He or she makes up the perfect fantasy and becomes addicted to the high and the rushes of pleasure.

In the third stage, they both enter a stage of a relationship where the avoidant behaves as if he prefers to keep things pretty casual where he does not necessarily commit and leaves things rather in the open. My ex would tell me, “Why would we need to define who or what we are? Isn’t love enough?” On the other hand, the typical love addict perceives the relationship as the one and he’s more than willing to fully commit. In stage four, the avoidant enters the phase of manipulation where he or she starts to put up walls, applies push and pull strategies. He or she exhibits passive-aggressive behavior and repeatedly vanishes from the relationship by not answering messages, not calling back, simply checking out for a while. The term ghosting is pretty accurate here.

Listen to your body, listen to that gut feeling, and you can prevent a lot of harm and instead choose what's good for you. Click To Tweet

What happens is that he or she starts to fear intimacy, but also potential abandonment. In these moments, he can have angry outbursts that can be terrifying. On the other hand, the typical love addict enters the phase of acceptance of abuse and wrong compromises. By now, he or she is in full-blown denial, constantly making silent excuses and justifying the avoidant behavior while desperately holding onto the fantasy as fiercely as he or she can. In stage five, when the avoidant starts to feel like a prisoner, he enters the phase of dumping where he pushes his partner away, appears as if he does not need the relationship and he can then brutally dump the partner with no sign of remorse.

On the other hand, the typical love addict enters the phase where she completely loses the self as she fears possible abandonment or rejection. They use any strategy to win the avoidant back and do everything to keep their partner’s attention and approval. In the last stage, number six, the avoidant usually enters the phase of ghosting. He keeps the power by not being available and therewith put his partner through sheer terror by simply vanishing. This puts the typical love addict through severe withdrawal symptoms where they experience extreme emotional and even physical pain as well as desperate feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. Usually this cycle, even after a short period of time, will repeat itself. The avoidant love addict will try to hoover their ex back in or move onto their next victim because their mindset is, “I can’t live with them nor without them.”

Seven Signs To Spot An Avoidant Love Addict

I hope that this has given you a little bit of insight into these unhealthy dynamics. I’m going to end this as promised with seven signs to spot an avoidant love addict. Sign number one, they never fully commit to you. Sign number two, they hardly ever introduce you to family and friends. Sign number three, they don’t share too much personal stuff because they’re actually scared to do so. Number four, they send you mixed messages about what they want from you. Number five, they can turn from warm and loving to cold and distant in an instant. Number six, they always do their own thing without considering you in it. Number seven, it feels like whatever you do, it is never good enough. Be mindful of these signs and start paying attention to the red flags early on in relating. Listen to your body, listen to that gut feeling, and you can prevent a lot of harm and instead choose what’s good for you.

I look forward to the next episode when I’ll be sharing a very interesting interview with Dr. Margaret Paul. She holds a PhD in Psychology and is a relationship expert, a public speaker, a bestselling author and a popular Huffington Post writer. Her book, Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You? sold over a million copies and she has been on numerous radio and television shows, including Oprah. Make sure not to miss my conversation with her where we’ll dive deeper into our show’s topic. I’m excited to meet with you in the next episode. Be well.

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If you want more on getting the best out of your life and relationships, check out our new brand The Royal Path where you find everything about personal growth, deep healing and emotional liberation.

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Important Links:

• Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You?
• Jim Hall, Love Addiction Specialist
• Addicted to Love Podcast on iTunes
• Get our 30 days no contact survival guide here
• Our Retreats
• The Royal Path
• Free ebook How to heal for good with 0% spiritual bypassing