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The Number One Thing That Will Take Your Relationship To The Next Level!
In this episode, we will be talking about the number one thing that will take your relationship to the next level. I get it. You might have heard that before. Only that what I’ll be talking about truly has proven itself to be highly efficient when it comes to conscious relating. See, I used to be a drama queen. I’d lash out on my partners when something didn’t go my way. When he failed to fulfill my expectations, when he lied to me, when he cheated on me, when he treated me disrespectfully, or when he rejected me. You might argue that I’m right to get angry, and yes, you are. The question is am I unloading my anger onto him, punishing him or am I owning my anger and showing him how hurt I am instead?
One thing is acting out. The other is being vulnerable. One thing is denying my feelings, my hurt, and the other is feeling it. This is what most of us do in relationships. We lash out, we act out. The worst is the subtle act outs when we don’t take our partners seriously anymore, when we’re being passive-aggressive, when we belittle them or snap at them. These act outs are not tangible, they just happen. They are, however, the ones that sooner or later will kill any good intended relationship. Why is that? They build one thing over time that will ensure that at some point down the line, there will come the point of no return and the relationship might die. That something is called resentment. If resentment builds over time, there’s no going back. We will start to disrespect our partner and then they will no longer feel safe with us and trust has long left the house for everyone involved.Resentment might just kill your relationship! Click To Tweet
The power of Vulnerability
What can we do instead that will take our relationship to the next level? We have to show up vulnerably. The success of your relationship is in direct correlation with both partners’ ability to be vulnerable. Your vulnerability is the key to your partner’s open heart. What does vulnerability mean? Vulnerability is the ability to express and share our feelings. It means to say, “I feel hurt when you talk to me like that.” Instead of shouting at your partner saying, “Why do you always have to talk to me like that?” Vulnerability is about letting your partner in, showing your partner your pain, your frustrations, your anger, your sadness and so on. This requires our own ability to feel instead of acting out.
We have to catch ourselves before we engage in acting out. We are used to repressing or acting our feelings out in unconscious ways that we don’t even realize when we’re being triggered. That’s because, for one, we’re not used to feel. We don’t know how to feel our pain. We have no access to our feelings. The moment we feel threatened, our behavior becomes impulsive and involuntary, meaning things will happen out of our control. You can learn everything about that in my episodes number sixteen and seventeen.
When we’re still a child, vulnerability came to us naturally. If we were hurt, we cried. If we were angry, we expressed our anger. We didn’t repress any of it. What can we do to ensure that resentment won’t build over time? How do we step into vulnerability? First of all, we have to put clean sheets at least once a week. Have a conscious conversation every single week. Set aside time to do so. What is it that you swallowed and didn’t say? What did you fail to express to your partner, the ways they disappointed you or hurt you, the moments you felt neglected or rejected?
We all know that our partner is not responsible for how we feel. We also don’t want to keep this too spiritual where we’re saying that we should not be affected when our partner does or does not do or say something. That is complete BS in my opinion because it is normal to be affected by what our partner does or does not say or do. We’re feeling human beings and we all carry around pain that will get triggered from time to time. The difference is how we deal with the triggers. Do we outsource responsibility by assuming that our pain is the sole result of our partners’ wrongdoing? Do we investigate further and look at the parts within us that contribute to us feeling hurt and rejected? In order for this to happen, we have to become aware of our feelings involved in the pain.
Have a conscious conversation for starters
Why do we feel over proportionally hurt sometimes? We can become aware of it when we dive into exploring the feelings. In order for us to do so, the following exercise can help. It will wipe clean anything that would otherwise start to build between you and your partner. This exercise is a conscious conversation. Here’s a little bit of a guideline about how you could structure the conversation. Set aside 30 minutes and each of you has three slots of five minutes each. One starts and talks for five minutes, and then the other one talk for another five minutes. You switch again and again until the 30 minutes are over. When you do that, the one talking has the opportunity to talk without ever being interrupted unless the listener has a question that concerns clarification, something the listener didn’t quite understand. The listener does not interrupt or respond directly to what the speaker is saying.
The speaker shares from an I perspective. This is not about blaming or unloading your anger or frustration on the listener who can’t respond. This is about taking responsibility for your feelings. The language that you want to use is, “I feel or I felt disappointed when you did this or that,” taking out all the blame but staying fully with the feelings behind your words. Don’t just say that you were hurt. Feel the hurt, express the hurt, allow the tears and the shaky voice, and be as real as you can. Let your partner see you. When the five minutes are up and you change, the same thing happens. Maybe this time, the new speaker responds to something that has been said before but with the same intention, taking full responsibility. Maybe you’ve got angry about something your partner said because you feel that it is completely unfair. You don’t say, “You made me mad when you say that.” You say, “When I heard you say that, I got angry. I’m frustrated that I can’t seem to make you happy.” No blaming, just sharing vulnerably what goes on for you, what gets triggered in you.
The difference between owning your anger and dumping it onto your partner
I want to point out more clearly the difference between owning your anger and dumping your anger on your partner or any other feeling. Let’s take anger. Acting anger out would be to shout at your partner saying, “You’re such an idiot. How can you talk to me like that? You’re not hearing me. You’re so self-centered and egoistic.” You say, “It makes me angry when you talk to me like that. I feel that you don’t hear me. I feel that all you care about is you. I feel that my needs and longings are not valid.” You can take a pillow and get rid of some of that anger, directing it to the pillow and not your partner. Your partner simply watches you, holds space for you, and allows you to express whatever it is that you are feeling. This is about a nonjudgmental space where you each validate your feelings. Your voice can still be loud and angry but you own that anger. You don’t punish the other with your anger. You’re not trying to dump it onto your partner. In most situations, you have your part in it and you’re willing to take full responsibility.
If you have a lot of resentment already built up between each other, then not acting out will be difficult because you are angry at that person. You do want to punish them and hurt them. It’s like your vessel is full and it is overflowing, and you need to get rid of some of that pent-up anger. If you have already a lot of built-up resentment, you have to be ultra careful not to act out and start owning your anger. Start feeling the anger in a healthy way. Start processing the anger. Living an empowered life as a woman means to take full responsibility for my pain. If I want to be vulnerable, I have to let my partner in. Instead of acting out, I feel that it is much more impactful if I keep my heart open in any situation but be consistent in my actions. Instead of shouting at my partner for letting me down and threatening him to leave, I can say that I’m hurt. I can even cry about it, but I do it with my heart open.Instead of acting out and bit**ing around, it is much more impactful to keep an open heart in any situation. Click To Tweet
My consistent action would be that I might tell him with all the love I have that I need some time for myself to figure out what this or that means to me. I might decide to sleep for two nights at some other place. It’s the actions that matter. It’s how we follow through with our standards. It’s about how much we keep valuing ourselves in our relationship. The worst thing that can happen is to keep acting out without ever taking action. The question is, are you willing to put in the work to continuously empty the resentment that naturally builds up between the two of you? Are you willing to let your partner in on your feelings? Are you taking responsibility for your own happiness? Are you showing up vulnerably where you keep your heart open and make your actions speak louder than your words? Empty words don’t find respect. Empty words are empty words. Vulnerability and feeling instead of acting out is something we have to learn, but it does make all the difference. I’d love to help.
If you are ready to turn your relationship around, you can book me as your coach, guiding you directly through your relationship challenges. Or you can become a member of my community of women who are dedicated to taking full responsibility. The membership will provide you with in-depth teachings about vulnerability and feelings and will give you the tools to stop acting out and communicate effectively in your relationships. As this show’s theme is love addiction, I’ll deliver all the dos and don’ts related to the topic. I’ll help you build a self-empowered love life. I’ll give live Q&As so you can bring anything you’re struggling with to the table. Not only will you overcome love addiction, but you’ll also learn how to feel instead of acting out. Please remember to read from the very beginning because my show builds up in a chronological order and you’ll benefit the most from it in this way. Head over to my page, AleahAva.com, click on Membership, and you’ll find more information. Thank you. I’ll see you in the next episode.