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Three Strategies To A More Intimate Relationship And Better Sex!
I will give you three strategies to immediately have a more intimate relationship and better sex. We can all agree that love can be the most wonderful, exciting, and heart-opening thing. If you live in a healthy intimate relationship, you feel like you can achieve anything. It feels wonderful to have someone next to you, supporting you, cheering you on, and caring for you. We all want and deserve that. However, love can also be the most painful, dark, and hopeless place we have all experienced and it can break your heart into a thousand pieces. All of a sudden, you find yourself in a place where you doubt whether the person you think you love is actually the right one.
I wanted to give you a little help. Should you feel that a part in you maybe resents your partner, or you don’t feel valued or seen enough or perhaps you end up fighting too much, there is help. I’m going to give you three great strategies to turn any challenging situation into a more intimate relationship and better sex. If you apply these strategies the moment you feel that everything goes south, just take a deep breath. Tell your partner, “Let me just have one minute,” and then go back and think about these strategies. Maybe ask your partner if he or she is willing to take a step back and try to apply them.
If they are hesitant, just ask if it’s okay that you will try if they are at least open for you to try because in some moments, fighting and arguing closes us up so much that we’re simply not ready to open up right away. In that moment, we need some help. If at least one of you can remain aware, then that is already a step forward. We’re all learning this language called love and we will fail over and over again, but we can have the pure intention to wanting to do right and that is a good starting point.
“Be impeccable with your words.”
Let me dive right into strategy number one. I call it, “Be impeccable with your words.” Don Miguel Ruiz already said that and I’m going to give you my take on it. We all know communication is key but what does it mean? Our communication can always make or break a challenging situation. There are a couple of things to consider when thinking about the level of communication in our relationships. Here are a few tips that will surely help you to be a better communicator.
Tip number one, speak the unspeakable. Intimacy is created through us being open and vulnerable, sharing what is on our mind without blaming the other. What’s the one thing you have always meant to say but didn’t dare to or were too afraid of or simply too angry about? If we hold things back that are truly important to us, resentment will build up over time and this resentment can become so strong that we’re no longer willing to give to one another. If you’re willing to share how you truly feel in a loving way, you build trust and you help the relationship to navigate through the highs and the lows.
Tip number two, compliment your partner today. Send a little text, a cute picture or place a little post-it note that makes your partner feel loved, appreciated and valued. It helps to give yourself two minutes to just think about your partner and his or her qualities. Sometimes daily life takes over and we get caught up in the midst of things where these little treasures of love are almost inexistent. If it helps you, set a reminder and get creative. Besides, it is so much fun!
Tip number three, I’m asking myself, “What values are reflected in the way I communicate? Do I stick to them even if things get rough?” Maybe it’s time to reflect on these values. I want to share mine with you. First of all, awareness. We need to be aware and own the parts within ourselves that contribute to a conflict. I call it, “Own your own crap, girl.” Value number two, love. I always ask myself, “What would love do right now? What would my heart do instead of what my head tells me to do? What would love say right now?” Three, empathy. Can you see beyond your own scope of hurt or pain? Can you speak with compassion? Maybe ask before assuming something. Try to truly want to understand your partner’s point of view. Four, authenticity. Are you able to feel your feelings and show them from a vulnerable place or do you often act out, blame your partner, engage in name calling or playing the role of a drama queen? Are you letting your partner see who you truly are? Five, honesty. Are you honest even if the truth might hurt your partner? We often fear to tell the truth because we fear the consequences, so we decide to be halfway truthful. I always say to myself, “It is only truthful enough if I can speak to my partner the way I speak to myself without filtering any of it.” That doesn’t mean that you can just throw around and act out all over the place, but it sure means to speak that truth with as much love as you can possibly put into your words. It helps me to place one hand on my heart and take a deep breath before I speak. Just give it a try. It mostly works. You might want to figure out your own values but this might give you a little bit of a hint.
Shift your focus from ‘me’ to ‘you’ to achieve a more intimate relationship
Strategy number two, shift your focus from me to you. Many people are in relationships to get and we might not even be aware of it. Love, in that case, is a self-serving device. When we think and act from that place, we can get really disappointed. Too much “me” in a relationship will cause unhappiness for both. How about we switch to a self-giving attitude? Here are a couple of tips on how to do that. Number one, when in an argument, be the bigger person and ask your partner what he needs in this very instant. Listen carefully and do the best you can to give that first. Just step back and swallow your pride for just a moment. Do it with all of your heart. Give and never stop giving. They will mostly come around and do the same for you. If that never happens, you might be in the wrong relationship.
Number two, understand how you disappointed them. Even if in your opinion you didn’t feel that you actually did because this is about validating your partner’s feelings. Whatever they will be telling you, just let them talk and let them fully express what they are feeling, not just in words but with the feelings behind. Usually, what happens is that when you pay full attention without trying to justify yourself and be right or trying to fix them, they will eventually realize themselves that maybe not all of what they are feeling is a result from what you did or did not do. By seeing and validating them, you tell them that you love them. Love is the most powerful turnaround we can apply at any moment.
Number three, apologize first. There is such empowerment in the ability to apologize. As many people have troubles with that, they get really inspired when someone else does it with such easiness and authenticity. By that, I want to say, “Mean it. Don’t just say it.” For most situations, we have our own parts in it because we mess up as well. If we own that part and are not too proud to say, “I’m truly sorry. I understand,” they will feel seen, heard, and validated and it will allow them to hopefully come around and take responsibility for their part. Apologizing is a big thing and your partner might need some practice in that. Be patient and kind. It’s the only way they will actually feel that it is safe enough to do so because apologizing does put everyone in a vulnerable and scary situation.
Strategy number three, remove yourself. Sometimes when things get really heated up, there is no way we can communicate constructively. That is when we miss the point of no return where we already let build up too much resentment, where we failed to proactively communicate and where we carried it around too much for too long. In these moments, agree on a code word. Either of you has the right to mention the code word any time. Once someone uses it, you both immediately stop arguing and remove yourself from the situation. Do something that lets you change focus and that lets you come back to yourself while separated.
Go explore your feelings involved in the argument and find a way to express them so your nervous system can start to come back. Once you’re calmer, you can come back together and find new ways of approaching each other. This is a very challenging strategy because when being triggered, it takes courage and strength not to give in to what seems to be a short-term gratification or satisfaction. For example, you screaming at your partner, which might make you feel better temporarily but instead, walk away and deal with your own parts in it first. Be mindful not to abuse the code word to punish and hurt the other, do it with the right intention. Otherwise, you’re just creating a power play which is actually going to create more hurt and separation. This might take a little bit of practice but it is a powerful tool to apply. With time, you’ll see that you both talk to each other in a more mature way and you’ll be enjoying a deeper connection on many levels which is wonderful.
So where is the “better sex” part?
You might ask yourself, “Where is the better sex?” Once we align the way we communicate with one another, once we become more authentic, vulnerable, and honest in our communication, it will automatically create more polarity, more attraction, more love, and connection. This will immediately translate into a better sex life, meaning deeper and more connected lovemaking. However, I do want to give you a couple of last tips for your bedroom as well. Tip number one, have a conversation purely about sex. Does your partner know what you like, the way you want to be touched, the amount of time you need to come down from a stressful day and become present in the bedroom, the secret fantasies you have always wanted to explore and play around with, the boundaries you did not establish, the things you are afraid of? Talk about sex as if the topic was another one. Be ruthless, but do it with your heart open so your partner can actually receive and feel you.
My last tip is to “break the state”. Do something different! Dress up in an unexpected way, choose a special environment. Maybe book a sensual hotel room for a night and surprise your partner. Maybe have a gentle role play or one of my favorites, include delicious food into your bedroom. Playing around with the different senses is very powerful. Have your partner wear a blindfold and let him taste delicious food like juicy berries, a piece of chocolate, or play around with a little ice cube. Be creative and figure out what you want and desire, and then communicate that. Whatever you do, always have your heart right on your tongue and find your right intention first. Last but not the least, enjoy yourself in all of it. Playfulness is a key ingredient for great sex. I wish you good luck. Please let me know how it goes. I want to know all about it.
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